Today we explore the uncomfortable changes women go through as they age. We discuss how perimenopause and menopause are not talked about enough in society and how there is a movement to normalize aging. Heather gets an exclusive coaching session from Ruth Harper, a registered dietitian and intuitive eating coach.
Through the coaching time, Heather and Ruth talk about naming the feelings we have towards our changing bodies, how shame can feel heavy in certain parts of the body, and how connecting with what the body is experiencing can help provide ministering. This discussion on embracing the changes that come with aging will encourage and uplift you!
Key topics from today’s show:
Topic 1: Lack of consolation or comfort during perimenopause
– Heather Creekmore talks about the lack of consolation or comfort when going through perimenopause.
– Heather notes that during puberty, there is some level of societal acknowledgement that these changes are normal and okay, but this is not the case during perimenopause.
– Heather emphasizes the need for our culture to acknowledge and embrace perimenopause and menopause as a natural part of life and start having more open conversations about it.
Topic 2: Physical changes due to hormone shifts during perimenopause
– Heather is experiencing physical changes due to hormone shifts during perimenopause.
– Her legs can get twice as big a few days before her period, and she is experiencing more dramatic physical changes than before.
– Heather wonders if the hot flashes she had in her 20s were also due to underfeeding.
– The hot flashes she is experiencing now are on a whole new level.- The hormone shifts are complicating her body image and how she thinks about herself. She seeks advice on how to deal with them.
Topic 3: Connecting with the body to deal with shame
– Ruth emphasizes the importance of connecting with what the body is feeling when experiencing shame, as emotions are held in the body.
– Shame can feel like a heaviness in a certain place, and finding what the body is feeling can be a resource to connect with the feeling and minister to it.- Going towards the sensation with attention, compassion, and inviting the Holy Spirit to come can be helpful in ministering to the shame.
– The shame might have something to say when approached with compassion and care, which can provide treasure of information on how to pray around what the body is experiencing.
– Taking what one is experiencing to the Lord and having His love attend and comfort can help bring us closer to Him and help us deal with the underlying issues behind the shame.
– Ruth highlights the importance of acknowledging and being compassionate towards our bodies, especially during physical changes.
– She specifically mentions focusing on our legs, as they often bear a lot of weight and strain during these changes.
– She suggests having a conversation with our legs, asking them what they need and offering them touch and support.
– Ruth encourages listeners to consider how they can offer their bodies care and kindness during uncomfortable experiences.
Topic 4: Mindset shift towards body kindness
– When dealing with the changes and challenges of aging, she reminds herself that it is normal and not a result of any choice or action she took.
– She previously struggled with being kind to her body, but has shifted to being on the same team as her body.
– Many women may still be stuck in the mindset of beating their bodies into submission, as that is what is often taught in society and even in church.
– Heather and Ruth share a similar perspective on the importance of being kind to oneself and not disregarding the whole self.
Connect with Ruth Harper at: www.nourishmentor.com
Learn more about Classical Conversations at: www.classicalconversations.com/comparedtowho
Ready for Christian body image coaching? Learn more at: www.improvebodyimage.com
Transcript of today’s show: Help, I’m Aging Coaching Call
Heather Creekmore [00:00:02]: I don’t even remember how this was in my my experience. But you know, when you go through puberty, you have some sort of consolation right there. Again, not for everyone, but you’ve probably at least caught it at school that this is normal, it’s okay. Your body’s changing. It’s okay. Right? And if you had parents that were kind of compassionate, you might have heard it at home, too. Like, oh, it’s okay. This is just part of growing up, all those things. But you don’t get that at 50, right? Your husband’s not like, “Oh, it’s okay, dear. This is just part of growing up.”
You don’t hear that anywhere. And I think that there is a movement in our culture to kind of stop this ageism and embrace it more and let’s start talking about things like menopause and paramenopause more. But the comfort you’re talking about, that would come naturally in other seasonal changes. When people when you’re pregnant, right, oh, it’s okay to gain weight. Yeah, but your body’s going to change. It’s normal. Don’t worry about it. You don’t get that perimenopause, do you?
Ruth Harper [00:01:23]:
We’re told to fix it, make it better, look younger. Here’s all the ways you can do it and the thousands of dollars you can spend to get it, that’s just.
Heather Creekmore [00:04:02]:
Welcome to Compare to who, the podcast to help you make peace with your body so you can savor God’s rest and feel his love. If you’re tired of fighting body image the world’s way, compared to who is the show for you. You’ve likely heard lots of talk about loving your body, but my goal is different. Striving to fall in love with stretch marks and cellulite is a little silly to me. Instead, I want to encourage you and remind you with the truth of scripture that you are seen, you are known and you are loved, no matter what your size or shape. Here the pressure is off. If you’re looking for real talk, biblical encouragement, and regular reminders that God loves you and you’re not alone, you’ve come to the right place. I hope you enjoy today’s show. And hey, tell a friend about it. Well, I thought it would be fun. Fun might not be the right word. I thought it would be helpful. Let’s go with that. For me to kind of throw out to you some common laments, common scenarios if you will, common complaints around aging. And for us just to kind of pretend we’re doing a little coaching session and my hope is to kind of try to capture maybe what some of our listeners are feeling and for you to be able to through encouraging me or coaching me kind of coach them virtually. So it’s kind of like a free coaching session on aging today. Are you ready? You game? Okay, so I think thing one needs to be help. I don’t recognize this body in the mirror anymore. What do I do after decades? Okay, maybe for some it’s just years. For me, if I was asking you this question personally, it would be decades of controlling everything. Seem like my power seems to have disappeared overnight. Where there were seasons where I could just I’ll do a little tweak here, a little tweak there, eat a little less of this food, exercise a little more, and my body will go back to closer to what I want it to be. All the power is gone. My body’s just doing whatever it wants to do. Now, how do I cope with that?
Ruth Harper [00:06:33]:
Would you talk a little bit more about what it means to not recognize your body when you look in the mirror? What does that feel like for you?
Heather Creekmore [00:06:42]:
I’m trying to think of the right word to put with it. Right. Because it’s a little bit so I would cash it out as and this is, I’ve done a little work around this, but I would cash it out as a dissonance between what I want to see and what I see. And then as I think more about it, I’m like that dissonance has probably always been there. Right. I mean, it’s the same body dysmorphic disorder that has been there for decades, but it feels different with aging for some reason. I don’t know. It’s a different thing than just size or shape. It’s maybe a stark reality of this is a new season.
Ruth Harper [00:07:41]:
Yeah. So what I’m hearing is like you’re not seeing what you want to see, and it speaks out of control.
Heather Creekmore [00:07:54]:
Yeah. So this is something I talk to a lot of clients about. Yeah, it is. That reality of it’s so false. Right. But the perception, I think, through my twenty s and thirty s was that my body looked the way it looked because of what I did. Right. That it was up to me. And aging, I think, comes in and adds an element of not up to you anymore. We’re going to do what we’re going to do. This is just the way it works.
Ruth Harper [00:08:36]:
So out of control there says failure.
Heather Creekmore [00:08:43]:
Yeah.
Ruth Harper [00:08:45]:
Is that it? Is there a better word for it?
Heather Creekmore [00:08:48]:
No, I think that is the perfect word. I think a lot of women I talk to feel that way. Right. Success looks like and it’s so hard. Right. You can’t even tangibly say success looks like not aging. Because, you know, that’s weird. Right. But at some level, intellectually, we know that in our forty s and fifty s, we’re not going to look the same as we did in our 20s. We know that intellectually. And yet I think you’re right. I think there’s still that expectation that you should have been able to do something about it. And because you couldn’t, it’s failure. So yeah, I think failure is a great word.
Ruth Harper [00:09:29]:
So then what does it mean if you’re failing in that area?
Heather Creekmore [00:09:34]:
Yeah, so I think failing so for me personally, failing connects to not being smart enough. Right. So for me personally, it’s like maybe back to what you said earlier about exactness connecting that failure is, oh, you weren’t smart enough to beat it. You didn’t do enough research. You didn’t figure out the exact formula necessary, like the exact right way to eat and the exact right way to exercise so you wouldn’t face the consequences bum, bum, bum of aging. Right. I think there’s very much a oh, are other people looking at me thinking, oh, it’s a shame she just wasn’t smart enough to figure out how to beat it?
Ruth Harper [00:10:24]:
Wow. So you bring the other people in. Yeah. Is there a sense inside that there’s fear of what the other people are thinking about your lack of smart enough?
Heather Creekmore [00:10:40]:
Yeah, absolutely. That’s part of it. Right. I think for myself and probably most of the people I talk to. It’s like 50% of it is what I think of me, and 50% of it is what other people think of me, but that 50% isn’t actually what other people think. It’s what I fear they think because no one’s actually said, oh, Heather, it’s a shame you haven’t figured this out. Right. It’s just me putting words in their mouth and then trying to correct based on my fears of their opinions.
Ruth Harper [00:11:19]:
Well, what if people are judging you? What does that mean?
Heather Creekmore [00:11:24]:
That’s a good question, Ruth. What does that mean? Scripturally? It really shouldn’t mean anything to me, right. Because I shouldn’t be afraid of the opinions of man. It means they’re comparing themselves to me, which I’m comparing myself to them. I guess it’s a quid pro quo there. But it means in their comparison, they are either coming out ahead with pride or most people don’t look for ways to come out the loser in those comparison contests, although we do, but we’re not seeking those ways out normally.
Ruth Harper [00:12:09]:
So it’s like, who’s winning?
Heather Creekmore [00:12:11]:
Yeah, no one wins in comparisons contest. Right.
Ruth Harper [00:12:16]:
But that’s something that we have inside, is this meter of who’s winning in this little interaction that may or may not be happening.
Heather Creekmore [00:12:25]:
Yeah, I wrote a whole book on that.
Ruth Harper [00:12:28]:
Yeah. Okay. So if there’s a sense that if you’re not smart enough to make your body look younger or younger, meaning all kinds of things, right, skin, body size, hair, everything, they might be judging you. What do you want around that?
Heather Creekmore [00:12:55]:
Yeah. It’s a good question because it puts you in the dilemma of what do I really want from my relationship with other people? Do I want them to be impressed by me, or do I want to love them? Right. Do I want them to love me and do I want to love them? And if I’m seeking relationships where I only want them to be impressed by me, that’s not really very loving. Right? Yeah. Do I want their applause or do I want their genuine love? Yeah.
Ruth Harper [00:13:40]:
Layers of wants. I mean, maybe there’s several narratives inside that say things. Do you notice anything more complex around that? Sometimes there’s a thought inside that says, actually, I want people to think I look amazing. That’s what I really want. And then there’s another thought that says, no, I just want people to love me for who I am and another partner. I’d be like, I just want to love people because I really do love them. And there might be another narrative that says, I just don’t care about any of it.
Heather Creekmore [00:14:15]:
Yeah.
Ruth Harper [00:14:16]:
I don’t know. What do you think about that?
Heather Creekmore [00:14:19]:
I feel like as a Christian, right. Some of those options are fleshly desires.
Ruth Harper [00:14:29]:
Totally.
Heather Creekmore [00:14:30]:
Right. And so the right answer is I want to love them and sure would be nice if they loved me in return, but ultimately, not much I can do about that. I don’t think the right answer is apathy. Screw you all. I don’t care what you think. I don’t actually think that that’s genuine either. I think most of the time when we do that, that’s a defense mechanism. Right. Like, I don’t care what you say about me. It’s a rebellion of sorts, not actually freedom. It’s yicky to admit that we would want as I would frame it, we’d want glory for ourselves. Right? Like, I want you to be impressed by me. I want some glory for me. It’s like, oh, no, that’s probably not what God wants.
Ruth Harper [00:15:24]:
And I think there’s something beautiful about being just that honest, that there’s different parts of us inside that maybe aren’t lined up with the Holy Spirit. We have that Holy Spirit filled part of us that we want to be leading ourselves, because I really want to be 100% led by the Spirit and full of true, authentic love for others and not be seeking for self. And there’s a sad twelve year old inside of me that says, no, I need it for me. And that’s really common and understandable.
Heather Creekmore [00:16:09]:
Yeah. So what about, though, in aging? I think in aging there is this added shame that is different than body image issues in your teens. Twenty s. Thirty s. Right. I think the added shame comes from like, oh, I thought I would have sorted this out by now. Right? Like this other layer of, oh, goodness, I’ve been dealing with this so long now, and now I never reached that point. I don’t know. That’s just another thing that I hear commonly. How do you help that added layer of shame?
Ruth Harper [00:17:06]:
Yeah. Okay. So if I were working with somebody feeling that shame, I would really want to help them connect with what their body is experiencing in that shame. Because emotions are held in the body, and shame can feel a lot of different ways. A lot of times people will describe it as a heaviness, and it might be in a certain place that can be identified, and it’s really beautiful. If we can find what the body is feeling and use the body as a resource to connect with the feeling and then go towards that sensation with attention and compassion and inviting the Holy Spirit to come and attend to this sensation that the body is carrying. And so it’s not, oh, I feel shame. I need to do something about it. It’s can go towards it with compassion and care in the Lord to then minister to what you’re experiencing. And sometimes the shame or whatever the feeling is will have something to say, like what’s going on if you go towards it and it can tell you what it’s shameful of. And then there’s a treasure of information on how to pray around what your body is experiencing. And it’s beautiful and it brings us closer to the Lord because we’re taking what we’re experiencing and we think it’s about my body isn’t looking like I want it to and the shame is coming. And it’s almost always a lot more than that. There’s something behind it that the body’s carrying for us. And then we can take it to the Lord and have his love attend and comfort us just like Jesus does. He goes towards people who are hurting, towards the pain instead of stop feeling that that’s not Godly.
Heather Creekmore [00:19:25]:
Right? Absolutely.
Ruth Harper [00:19:29]:
And then the body can be like, maybe I can be here in this size or shape or age that I am because Jesus is with me in what I’m experiencing.
Heather Creekmore [00:19:47]:
Yeah, that’s good. What about how the hormone changes mess with our reality? Right. So personally, back to me. Well, it may not even be messing with my reality. I think it’s actually really happening. I’ve noticed at this age, my body, I’m in perimenopause, but still cycling, and my legs will get twice as big as a couple of days before my period. There is more dramatic physical changes that I’m seeing than ever before with the hormone shifts. And like you mentioned, the hot flashes for me, I’ve always kind of now knowing what I do, I’m, like, wondering if the hot flashes I had in my 20s were actually just because it was underfed. But that’s a whole other episode. But that’s always been kind of part of my reality, was getting hot. But now I’m like, oh my goodness, this is a whole new level of getting hot. And then the added complication of, okay, I’ve tried to get ready, I’m hot and my body doesn’t look like it did last week. And how do we think about the hormone shifts? Or how can we reckon with them, reason, process them? I don’t know. That’s probably a big question, Ruth, but what are your thoughts?
Ruth Harper [00:21:36]:
Yeah, well, so it’s again, the same of what we just talked about is just to go towards, like, say, your legs that they’re holding a lot for you in the changes that your body’s going through. And it’s physical and it’s uncomfortable. And just to go towards your legs with hair and compassion and just almost have a conversation with your legs, like legs, what do you need that’s a lot? And if you can bring that compassionate part of you towards your legs, even if you’re angry at them for being the size that they are in those moments, and you’re not sure how to dress them or whatever to say, hey, legs, what do you need right now for me? And even often even offer touch to them, say, I’m here, I get it. You’re not doing this to hurt me. I’m here with you. And just consider, what can you do to offer your body care and kindness when you’re experiencing that? What do you think you would do?
Heather Creekmore [00:22:55]:
Yeah, well, I feel like personally, so I’m a thinker, right. That’s my default on all the tests. That’s how I’ll come out. And so for me, it is more of talking to myself. It’s okay, this is normal. This is my new normal. Nothing strange is happening to me. I haven’t done anything wrong. This is not the result of some minuscule choice I made. It’s not the result of what I ate for dinner last night. This is just a part of getting older and this change I’m going through. And so that’s been helpful for me. But I love the broader point of kindness because I feel like that was a bigger obstacle for me, really, even just within the last couple of years, making the shift from, oh, it’s better to be on the same team as my body and be nice to it and then to keep trying to beat it into submission. And I know there’s probably lots of women listening today that are battling aging and maybe still stuck in that, beating it into submission. That’s what we’re taught to do, right? It’s yicky. But that’s even what we’re taught in church, right? Put the flesh in submission, which is not what that means at all. Right. But that’s how it’s been distorted, and it’s us versus our bodies. Disregarding the whole self. And so, yeah, I could go on about that for a while. And I know you’re nodding your head in agreement here. What thoughts come up for you?
Ruth Harper [00:24:44]:
Yeah. When women are feeling this, I want to fight my body like it’s changing and I don’t like it. And I feel all of this, I need to do something. So there’s that feeling, your body’s feeling something, and it brings up this story inside that said, I have to do something about it. And we’re taught by the culture what to do. We’re restrict our food exercise more, figure something out. Take kajillion supplements or whatever it is to do to try to fix the problem when maybe what is more effective to help you get through it is to acknowledge what it feels like and name it and how you’re feeling it in your body. And then go towards it with the compassion of Christ and offer yourself just if you need to grieve over it, aging the Lord in and cry through it and let him hold you. And I like to do like a self hug and a rocking type of thing like, just picture the Lord with you and holding you and rocking you and just offering yourself this touch and this connection to say, my body is holdable and comfortable. Not comfortable, but comfortable, that is, able to be comforted.
Ruth Harper [00:26:14]:
But there’s just this practice of going towards the negative feeling and the sensation that feels so big that it leads us to want to take action, to fix. Then we have power in the Lord to find what we actually want, which is to be comforted and to have resolution of the emotion that’s coming from the change and the things that we’re experiencing in our bodies.
Heather Creekmore [00:26:43]:
Yeah. As I think about that concept, it’s like it’s interesting for many. I’m not going to say all, I don’t even remember how this was in my experience, but when you go through puberty, you have some sort of consolation, right? Again, not for everyone, but you’ve probably at least caught it at school that this is normal, it’s okay. Your body’s aging, it’s okay. Right? And if you had parents that were kind of compassionate, you might have heard it at home, too, like, oh, it’s okay, this is just part of growing up, all those things. But you don’t get that at 50, right? Your husband’s not like, oh, it’s okay, dear, this is just part of growing up. You don’t hear that anywhere. And I think that there is a movement in our culture to kind of stop this ageism and embrace it more and let’s start talking about things like menopause and perimenopause more. But the comfort you’re talking about, that would come naturally at other seasonal changes when you’re pregnant, right? Oh, it’s okay to gain weight. Yeah, but your body’s going to change. It’s normal, don’t worry about it. You don’t get that perimenopause, do you?
Ruth Harper [00:28:07]:
We’re told to fix it, make it better, look younger. Here’s all the ways you can do it and the thousands of dollars you can spend to get it, and it’s false. We are going to age and we are going to look older, and if we do all the things to try to fix it, there is an expense in dollars, of course, and in just emotional effort, and then it’s going to fail in the end. We can try and try and maybe get a sense of what the culture might say. Success for some people, maybe, and then a lot of people, maybe not. But it is temporary at best, and it costs a lot. Like, if we restrict our diets, we are doing it at the expense of our bone health, of our muscle health, and our ability to age well and have a longer life that we’re able to move and be and have even more positive health outcomes. Restricting does not help us in the long run. It is a vain effort in all the ways, right?
Heather Creekmore [00:29:18]:
Yeah. Well, even that little bit of little bit or a lot, I shouldn’t say little bit, but the extra is probably the word I’m looking for. Even the extra that we tend to carry in the middle for people that never care. I never carried in the middle before. If I was going to gain weight, it was all waste and below, maybe my chest would get a little bigger, but for the most part, it was hips but thighs. But then now in this season, it’s stomach. But I’ve heard there’s even a protective element to that. And then just looking around, you can see, oh, that’s normal, right? Most women I know are in my age range. I mean, it varies, right? But that’s just kind of a new reality. That’s just the way you start to look. So putting it together is like, ding, ding, ding. Oh, maybe there’s something to this. Maybe that’s just the way we age. Right? Go ahead.
Ruth Harper [00:30:25]:
Well, I want to speak to that because it’s fascinating. There’s not a lot of study like saying that having more fat tissue around the middle is actually health protective. And there are some associations that have been made that women who have gained, I think it was ten kilos or more in menopause who started out in smaller bodies had three fold cardiactive effects from cardiac related mortality, as in age. And so with that, if I can say that a little more clearly, women who gained ten kilos or more didn’t die from heart events. There was a three fold protective outcome. And also, if you think about this, this is Mr. Obvious, like, women live longer than men, right? And so women do gain weight in the middle as we get older. That is a fact. And so can it be that bad, right? Longevity for women is a real thing.
Heather Creekmore [00:31:44]:
But I feel like we’re threatened with it, right? Like, oh, no, you have a little belly fat. Oh, you’re going to have a heart attack. You got to get rid of that belly fat. You’re going to have a heart attack. I mean, that’s what’s in my Instagram feed, right?
Ruth Harper [00:31:55]:
But it’s crazy when you think about the clear, obvious understanding is that women do live longer than men, and women do gain weight as we get older, so it doesn’t add up.
Heather Creekmore [00:32:06]:
Yeah. When I had seen somewhere it was actually another show, I think it was Christy Harrison’s anti diet show, actually. But she had an expert on there in aging was talking about how estrogen, I guess, stored in your fat cells, right. And how that’s kind of your body’s like, oh, we’re losing estrogen, we got to keep them here, we got to keep them close. And that made sense to me. And she was talking about how we use the term, I’m going to butcher her. Beautiful illustration. So apologies, but it was like, we use the term spare tire, but she’s like, what if it’s your lifeboat preserver, life preserver, that’s it that’s a better way? Yeah, it’s like, oh, yeah, what if this is actually serving a purpose biologically? Like, God knew what he was doing. It’s not a whoopsie, random thing. We’re all experiencing this. Maybe there’s a purpose to it.
Ruth Harper [00:33:06]:
I am certain that there is. Sadly, the research questions haven’t been asked directly around that. And I have searched the literature over, and there’s nothing that I can say that has been studied directly, directly. But there is that association with weight gain and menopause and cardioprotective health and longevity of women. So I think it’s fascinating, and it’s really just getting through the pain that the culture gives us around looking older and sitting with the pain. And that’s why I do help women to connect with what their bodies are feeling emotionally and, of course, the hunger and fullness and satiety cues, because their body is just such an amazing resource to help us understand what we’re going through. And then we can seek the Lord for what feels like it’s too much. And it’s just beautiful, the healing that he gives when we go near to him and acknowledge that he’s here with us and that we can get through a lot of things and have the beauty of the and, like, I am uncomfortable in a body that’s not tiny anymore. And I’m okay. I can be in the world, and I can be me, and God loves me, and I can live and have a life that’s beautiful and that’s okay.
Heather Creekmore [00:34:29]:
Yeah, I love that. Ruth well, thank you so much for being on the show today and helping us hash through some of these aging related issues. Would you tell everyone where they can connect with you? And do you see virtual clients, Ruth? Is that something you do in your practice?
Ruth Harper [00:34:45]:
I do see virtual clients, yes. And you can find me at nourishmentor@nourishmentor.com. My email is ruth@nourishmentor.com.
Heather Creekmore [00:34:57]:
Awesome. And I’ll put the link in the show notes. Well, thanks again for being on the show today, and thank you for watching or listening today. I hope something today has helped you stop comparing and start living.
