Sixteen: the number of days it had been since I checked my work email. But between the wedding, a cross-country move, and our honeymoon, time hadn’t permitted me the luxury.
Today I would have to face reality.
I opened my new husband’s laptop. My computer and the rest of my furniture hadn’t arrived at our new home in California yet, so we’d have to share. I waited while it booted up and entered his password to log on. I clicked the internet icon and. . . nothing. I clicked it fourteen more times. Same results.
“Babe, it won’t work!” I shouted from across the house. “The internet won’t connect.”
“Just a second, I’ll fix it.” He came and clicked on a little eyelid icon and put in yet another name and password.
“What is that?”
I spent a lot of time on computers, but that was an icon I had never seen before.
“It’s accountability software.” He said in a very matter-of-fact tone.
Stumped, I responded, “Accountability for what?”
He looked me in the eyes this time. I still didn’t really understand what was happening. All I knew was that it was annoying to have to use someone else’s computer and even more annoying to not be able to easily log on to said computer.
We were about to have a life-changing conversation about his lust problem and I was only half aware of it.
“It tracks everything I look at on the internet. It’s called Covenant Eyes. It sends a report to Dave so we can keep each other accountable.”
Back up the bus!
Could he be saying what I thought he was saying? He struggled with looking at “things” he shouldn’t on the computer. No, wait. What????? Did this mean he wrestled with . . .
Porn?
This couldn’t be happening to me. Not on the day we returned from our honeymoon. Not two weeks into marriage. Not to me. Period. My husband could not have a lust problem!?
I didn’t marry a man who struggled with lust. Surely I would have known about that before we got married. That should have come up in counseling or something. Was that what he meant? I had to ask the question. But, I didn’t really want to know the answer.
Gulping hard, I let the words out.
“So, uh, um, what exactly do you mean by ‘stuff you shouldn’t look at?'”
I felt my fragile new marriage and even more tender sense-of-self crumble as he confessed to a decades-long struggle. He was exposed to the poison early and, although he wanted to be free from its toxicity, it was sometimes a battle. He explained that though it was getting better, it wasn’t a switch he could flip off. As my tears started to fall, the speed at which his words came slowed to a complete stop.
I didn’t know what to say. How could I not have known this before?
I left the house. Immediately. It’s the only time I ever left during a discussion of any kind. I had to. I couldn’t breathe and had no idea what to do. You don’t exactly call your mom and tell her about this lust problem. I felt weird telling friends. What would they say anyway? They probably never had to deal with this. . .
I returned after an hour or so to find my husband kneeling on the floor in our bedroom. A song by Third Day was blaring loud and there were tear stains on his face. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”
I knew he meant it. What I didn’t know was how I could handle this.
***
It’s More Common Than You Know
With all my heart I wish that my experience was rare. I wish the data on pornography use was exaggerated. And, more so, I wish, so, so much, that the temptation luring our men away wasn’t so prevalent. Why does virtual sex-on-a-platter have to be so easy to access? Why does a lust problem have to be so common?
I’d like to tell you that the conversation above is the only one we ever had on the topic and my husband’s instant healing has kept him from struggling through today. But, that wouldn’t be true. Thanks to healthy practices and great accountability software, we’ve been able to keep the worst of the worst at bay. But, scantily clad women permeate our culture and old thought patterns are hard to break.
Because he battles his flesh in the arena of lust, I must battle with him. Notice, I didn’t say battle against him. Rather battle with him.
You see, it’s his struggle. It’s his sin. But, it’s our marriage. And, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about this lust problem and the fight against it, unless I get in it, he will lose.
There are four things I want you to know if your husband is battling the lust beast.
1. This has nothing to do with you and how you look.
His lust problem is not about you. He isn’t looking because you aren’t physically attractive enough. I want you to use a Sharpie and write that on your arm if you have to. Believe it. Please, believe it. His struggle goes far deeper than a sort of your body versus her body comparison game. The faster you can accept this to be true, the sooner you will be able to actually help him deal with his sin in a healthy way.
Please don’t try to become like those women. Please don’t look to see what those women look like (out of curiosity). And, please don’t run out and get boudoir photos taken because, “If he wants sexy pictures they should be of you.” That’s not what this is about. At all. Objectifying yourself is not the way to help him be free.
2. Be on his team.
During my husband’s earliest confessions with his lust problem, I was anything but on his team. I was against him. We weren’t teammates. I was mad. How could he betray me like this? I called him an adulterer and then stomped away on more than one occasion. And he would say, “Why can’t you be on my team?” I didn’t know what that even meant.
Now, I do. I realize that if we are to overcome this, he needs my help. That doesn’t mean that I can’t react, feel betrayed or hurt. But, it means I can offer him grace for his struggle. I have to see his sin for what it is: sin. Then, recognize that I have a sin problem, too. Not in the same arena perhaps, but his transgressions aren’t uglier than mine, they are just different transgressions. It is only when you see yourself as just as broken and as equally in need of a savior that you can empathize with him.
3. Talk about it.
I know, you’d rather not talk about it. Part of you just doesn’t want to know about his lust problem. But, that doesn’t make it better. Secrets kept in the dark fester and then grow. Issues brought to the light are exposed and can be healed. Tell him you’ll do your best to react with grace, but that you need to know when he’s struggling. Then pray for him. Don’t withhold sex or punish him for hurting you again. Instead, pray that Jesus would bring him to repentance and that God will use this to grow both of you. I know this will be hard. But, I promise it will help.
4. Have hope.
I know it feels dark and cold and lonely to deal with this issue. You may feel like your relationship is over or there is no way you’ll survive this. Allow me to encourage you: do not give up. There are countless stories of marriages that have survived porn and lust battles of every kind. There is great hope for your marriage too. See a Biblical counselor, talk to someone at your church whom you trust, and daily seek God’s face for help. You will feel too weak to handle it and that’s because you are. But, He is not. There is great hope for your marriage to come out stronger on the other side of this lust problem if you don’t give up.
Friend, it’s been more than a decade since we’ve had to even have a conversation about these temptations. There is great hope for your husband too.
I don’t take this topic lightly. I counsel women on it regularly and my heart hurts each time I hear another story. But, then I’m reminded of the truth of God’s word.
He redeems us out of our sinful state… no matter how long you’ve been battling this lust problem.
He does the same for our marriages. If this is your battle today, here is my prayer for you:
Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for my friend who feels uncertain right now. Maybe she feels betrayed by lustful habits carried out in the dark that she never knew about, or perhaps she’s still reeling from a confession of harmful behaviors. Whatever the case may be, I pray that you comfort your daughter. That you let her know and help her believe that this isn’t about her, her appearance or her value.
Help her to be a good helpmate to him even through this struggle that is so hard for us women to fully understand. Help her to be on his team and to, above all else, not give up on their marriage. Show her their greatest hope is still found in you. You aren’t defeated by lust and neither should they be. Strengthen my sister to be bold and brave as she walks alongside her husband through this battle. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
**I write more about this topic in my book “Compared to Who?” If you’ve ever wondered if you are “enough” for your husband, I hope you’ll read it! (Affiliate link)
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Thank you! May God truly bless your marriage continuously! I came across your message at a time when I needed it most. A month into my marriage, I discovered some deeply troubling truths about my husband that left me devastated. It felt as though the foundation of our marriage had been completely shattered. During our dating period, he struggled with lust and pursued advances with other women. However, God intervened during our marriage, leading him to a profound revelation and deliverance that truly amazed me.
Our story is unique—not just because of the past struggles, but because, after 30 years, I reconnected with the husband I once played with and went to school with. We fell in love again, and it felt like the ground had been pulled out from under me. I didn’t fully grasp the significance of God’s message to me: that I would learn things about him and should not judge him, lest I be judged myself. I wrestled with my thoughts, questioning what made me different from everyone else. Why was I chosen to be his wife? Was I naïve?
To other women facing similar challenges, I encourage you to step back and keep your focus on your own journey.
I want to preface this with saying I don’t hate my husband. He is a good man, I love him, and he treats me so well.
He struggles with lust, especially nude and mostly nude photos. Ever since we became more emotionally comfortable while dating, he opened up about this struggle and has been honest about it with me ever since. I know many men wouldn’t do that and I’ve been appreciative of his honesty even if it’s a struggle for me, too.
I was also married once before to an abusive and worldly man who actively watched porn daily. He didn’t view it as a struggle, and I left him when I found out that he cheated on me with a woman he met at work. This has left a pretty deep sore spot in me, even though I have been working with the Lord for a long time to heal it.
I wasn’t raised to be a forgiving person, I wasn’t raised with God’s word or with good guidance. As a teenager I struggled heavily with a porn addiction myself, and even though I overcame that years ago I know that it is a temptation that never truly leaves even if it now feels flimsy to me.
All of this put together has made a mess of things when it comes to my husband’s struggle. I’ve tried my best to not attack him or belittle him for it, because I know how hard it is. I have prayed constantly for us both, and for our marriage. I continue to pray daily for us. I’ve tried to do everything I can without being controlling.
Right now, I’m feeling like I’m not adequate enough. We are healthily active, I have not deprived my husband of anything, and we were doing so well. I thought he had gone a while without giving in, but yesterday I used his phone and noticed that he’d been looking at sexualized photos of a woman in lingerie. I felt hurt, and betrayed. It was the first time I had seen what he specifically struggles with first hand. And he hadn’t told me, he acted like everything was better than okay. Immediately, I had to be away from him. I left while he was busy and hid in our car to cry. I didn’t know what else to do to control myself in that moment, and I didn’t trust myself to try to actually leave in that state, especially while I’m pregnant.
I lost some of my control when he found me, I let out how it made me feel and how much it hurts me, and how angry I was. I compared myself with her, I compared my struggles with his, I wouldn’t let him near me.
Eventually I got to the point where I could talk about it calmly. He apologized profusely, and tried to explain. I apologized for my behavior and for comparing our struggles, but not for feeling what I felt. I’m still struggling not to compare myself with her. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been with pregnancy and I was already feeling lower than usual with my self esteem. I feel like there must be some failure I’m guilty of that he would feel the need to look again, even though I know that isn’t how that works.
I know my marriage is under attack. I know that when I can think clearly, but I just feel so beaten. I’ve been learning how to be forgiving and follow the word of the Lord, but it’s hard not to fall back into the grudge holding and resentment I used to survive for most of my life. Part of me wants to close myself off from him entirely, but I know that would lead to the death of our relationship.
What I truly want is to forgive him, I really do, I love him so much and it hurts that this has to be a problem for us. But, I don’t know how to start really forgiving him this time. I’ve always been hurt when he gives in, but It’s not as easy for me to get through when I actually see who my husband was lusting after, and knowing being honest about it wasn’t a priority for him. We’ve tried to stitch things, but he knows I’m still a bit hurt. The actual healing from this will take time, and I don’t know if he understands that.
I really needed some reassurance that it wasn’t about me or my appearance, that’s why I sought this out.
It’s absolutely not about you – I’d encourage you to check out https://fightforloveministries.org Fight for Love Ministries and I believe you’ll get a lot of the support and encouragement and reassurance that you are not alone, there!
Last night, my boyfriend of 1 year admitted to me that he had been struggling with lust in the past. I had asked him in conversation if he ever struggled with having lustful thoughts about other women and he admitted that he did. When we first met, he wasn’t walking with the Lord. But a few months into the relationship, he began coming to church and small group with me and he has changed beyond what I ever thought. I have truly watched him become so much more hungry for the Lord and actively seek him. However, this walk with God has, I guess, pushed him to be more honest with me about these things and struggles. I appreciate him telling me so much but it hurts so bad. He said the last time he had one of those thoughts was maybe a couple months ago. But said that he has no longer been struggling with this since he started diving more and more into the Word, SOAPING everyday and even began getting discipled. He said these thoughts were never put into action and it wasn’t pornography. But he’d see women in person or they’d come up in his social media and he’d sometimes get these lustful thoughts but he’d push them out quickly. He even went as far as to tell me that sometimes he would start having these thoughts of me and him and then they would pop up into his head and he’d think of them being pleased, but then he’d push the thought out. This made me absolutely sick. I told him i’m done with him. I have always struggled with insecurity and the Lord had brought me out of that place maybe 2 years ago. and these feelings that I used to get as a teenager are coming all back to me and I hate it. My worst fear has come true. He has been writing me essays and sending me multiple 12 minute voice messages all day apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and he doesn’t want anyone else and so much more. He is trying so hard to be there and he was in tears apologizing. I know he means it and I know he loves me. He said he is no longer at a point where he has to battle with these thoughts but they simply don’t come. I just don’t know if I can believe it. I don’t know if I can trust it won’t happen again and if the enemy does attack his mind again, idk if I’ll be able to hand it. I don’t even know if i can handle this right now. I’m a mess.. At the same time, we had just had a conversation about how the enemy has really been trying to attack our minds and fill us with all these temptations. And I had admitted to him that one of my struggles very recently had been perverse thoughts of him with other women. It would start as me overthinking and getting upset with these thoughts and then it would turn into that. So, this was me lusting as well. and, I know that all sin is sin. He said he’d pray for me and he was very understanding. But i just feel like it’s not the same.. I am straight and have never felt emotional attachment or feelings for other women. But i never struggled with lustful thoughts about another man. I feel like if I told him I did, he’d understand and feel really hurt. It just sucks. 🙁
The enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10). You don’t have complete control over what thoughts come, you just get a choice as to what to do with them. Do you entertain them and linger with them, or do you say -nope, not going to let that fill my mind. But, friend, I think it’s not possible to find a man who has never had a lustful thought. I think this is every man’s battle. It’s part of the way the human species continues to exist. Your goal is to not find the man who has never lusted (only Jesus qualifies) but to find a man who is willing to be honest about the struggle, seek help, and communicate about it. That’s what faithfulness is in this arena. As he grows and matures spiritually, prayerfully those lustful thoughts will continue to diminish. But, sanctification is a journey for all of us…just as you battle to think the way God thinks about you… He battles. Praying that God will give you wisdom and grace.
Thank you so much for your post. It’s comforting to know that in a way, i’m not alone in this. I broke up with my ex because we both have a porn addiction and were very lustful in the relationship. It wasn’t healthy at all. Do you think it’s better to just walk away when you discover the person has an addiction when you date them or to try to overcome it together?
Separation makes the most sense in this situation. At least for a season. I think you did the right thing.
Hello sister in Christ. I won’t elaborate on my story but I will say I’ve been struggling and searching far and wide online for comfort and validation, literally anything that might make me feel better. Your biblically based post resonated with me and I just want to say thank you for sharing your story and using it to help others. We cannot do this without Jesus. With love.
I found out a couple of months ago that my boyfriend of 2.5 years struggles with looking at naked and half naked women on social media. I found out because I looked at his phone and when I confronted him he made me feel like I was going crazy because “it wasn’t true” and even told me I should see a counselor for my “anxiety”. That makes him sound terrible but he’s such a great Christian guy and truly wants to marry me and asks me all the time when I will let him propose. He wanted to wait until marriage and everything. After I told him I saw his phone he admitted to everything and cried and told me that he does struggle with social media but he never struggles with porn. I told him how hurt I was and how ugly I felt and he deleted all of his social media on his own. It’s been hard to trust that he doesn’t look at anything because we are doing long distance and the only reason I found out originally was because I looked at his phone. If I hadn’t, he’d still be looking. Today he gave me his YouTube tv log in and I found his video history and it’s half naked girls again. I haven’t confronted him because I want to see if he’ll keep watching them.
The reason I am still dating him is because he is my best friend and as a Christian I believe in forgiveness and second chances. But he has lied about so much over the last couple years that his last chance was like his 5th chance. I can’t keep doing this anymore but I have absolutely no direction from God on what I should do. Breaking up doesn’t feel right and staying together doesn’t either.
I pray you’ll be able to seek some wise counsel. It will certainly not get better if unless you can give him some space to recognize it’s a problem, not just something he can keep covering. Prayers for you. I know this is difficult.
I am not excusing his behavior at all but if he knows you are the one for him, why is he being told to wait to request your hand in marriage. That could be a stumbling block. 2.5 years is a long time and if he knows you are the one he wants to marry, in this world with how sexual everyone is, that is really a long time to make him wait. If you are not sure if you want to marry him after this long, then you should pray and ask God or get counsel from a Pastor about letting him go. Have you been sexually active with him?
A couple days ago I caught my husband looking at our friend’s butt. I was shocked. We’ve been married 23 years and he assured me that he had conquered these issues, I thought that I was one of the lucky ones. I asked him and he lied and gaslit until finally he admitted that what I saw was true. This was agonizing for me, especially since this friend has hurt me and our family very deeply for years and I’ve also been insecure around her because I feel inferior to her, which he knows. My pain triggered his anger at the fact that through the years I have struggled with insecurity, jealousy and feelings of ugliness. I have conquered this quite a bit, but watching him check her out has triggered everything: my hatred of her, my insecurities about my body, my husband’s fury and pain from early in our relationship. What’s worse is he insists that every guy does this and that I was willfully deluding myself to think that he wasn’t doing this all this time even though that’s what he has told me. I feel betrayed. I don’t ever want to be in the same room with him and this friend again. I find myself wondering what else has he been lying about out of fear of my pain triggering his. He wakes up a lot in the night and spends a lot of nights on the couch. He insists that he is “consecrated” to our marriage, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. He’s amazing other than the fact that I have been slowly but surely noticing a lust problem. Every date we’ve ever been on and every where we go he stares at women. He acts out of character anytime a remotely attractjve woman is present, even on the tv. Recently I discovered women in underwear and thongs and baithingsuits doing yoga unproffessionally all over his youtube. They weren’t teaching it, it was heabily sexualized.. and he doesnt do yoga. We are born again christians and are not having sex. I confronted him about this and he lied, and then eventually came clean. We’ve had issues like this smaller scale in the past.. i’ve been clear about boundaries..he said he’ll change and do what he has to…I don’t understand..I’m heart broken..and I don’t know what to do..
A couple days ago I caught my husband looking at my friend’s butt. I was shocked. We’ve been married 23 years and I thought he had conquered these issues, that I was one of the lucky ones. I asked him and he lied and gaslit until finally he admitted that what I saw was true. This was agonizing for me, especially since this friend has hurt me and our family very deeply for years and I’ve also been insecure around her because I feel inferior to her. My pain triggered his anger at the fact that through the years I have struggled with insecurity, jealousy and feelings of ugliness. I have conquered this quite a bit, but watching him check her out has triggered everything: my hatred of her, my insecurities about my body, my husbands fury and pain from early in our relationship. What’s worse is he insists that every guy does this and that I was willfully deluding myself to think that he wasn’t doing this all this time. I feel betrayed. I don’t ever want to be in the same room with him and this friend again. I find myself wondering what else has he been lying about out of fear of my pain triggering his. He wakes up a lot in the night and spends a lot of nights on the couch. He insists that he is “consecrated” to our marriage, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
I’m so sorry. It does hurt. I get it. I wonder though if there’s not a way to let it get to you and make you feel insecure. Did you ever notice a good looking man walk by? Have you ever been flipping through the channels on TV and thought a man was good looking. Men, even men who love their wives, are going to notice women. And, chances are, we notice men sometimes too. Maybe not as much, but we do it. It doesn’t mean we want to sleep with them or divorce our husbands to be with them, it’s more like art appreciation. I understand how it’s particularly harmful because this is a woman you’ve struggled with. It feels like he’s not on your team to look at her. It may be more helpful to approach it from that tactic instead. Tell him that it feels like betrayal not because he looked but because of who it is. 1 Corinthians -the famous love chapter – tells us that love believes the best. If he’s given you other reason to doubt or question, you can certainly explore it. But, taking him at his word and not spiraling into conspiracies will do you so much more good. I’d encourage you to get help for yourself to process so that you can separate who you are and your value and worth in Christ from your husband’s actions. If he’s a good man who loves you, he’ll probably be all for it.
I truly understand all of that you have shared as I have been married to my husband for 35 years. He’s always had an issue with lust. From day 1. I remember being so confused on our honeymoon not understanding why he was staring at other women when we were together. I was young and naive. I have prayed for my husbands lust all the years we’ve been married. He won’t talk about it. When I have tried to ask questions snd share my experience, I have told him I don’t blame him and want to be a helper. He refuses to talk about it and get any type of accountability software on his phone or computer. I asked and said we both can get it. I wanted him to feel like I was on his side and in this with him. But I’ve come to the conclusion that in my case his lust and dissatisfaction is definitely about me. My husband is very very handsome. People tell him all the time. And honestly I don’t know why he married me. I am not equally attractive as he is handsome. I do think his lust is a large part because he desires a type of women I can never be. And why it’s taken me 35 years to figure this out I don’t know. He truly desires a woman who is physically beautiful. I’ve been through a lot and my body took a beating from some really hard physical challenges. I work out daily and eat very clean. But I can’t change some of the issues my body has. He longs for something I’ll never be physically. I just don’t have that body type. I’m ok with who I am. I love life and God have so much I still want to do while I’m on this planet. So I’ve come to realize that nothing can save our marriage because I can’t make me something I’m not. And I want him to be free to go find what he deeply desires in a life mate. The only thing that’s held me back from leaving is our beautiful children. They love our family. They are grown but as a family we are very close. I know if my husband and I get a divorce, it will break their hearts. But I just don’t think I can keep living in a marriage where I know I’ll never ever be what he needs. No matter how hard I’ve tried. I have too many physical “deficits” compared to what he has and needs.
I’m so so sorry to read this. I pray that you’ll get some help from someone caring and Christ-centered who can walk with you through this. This is not about you. If he committed to marrying you than he committed to you and no one else. He took a vow before God that you would be one flesh. It’s no longer he’s good looking and I’m not, you’re on the same team. You are united. This is not about you not being good enough, he chose you. There’s something else going on here. Please check out my friend Rosie’s ministry: fightforloveministries.org
My marriage of 14 years failed because my husband saw his lust problem as a “me” problem that he didn’t have a problem with. 6-1/2 months ago, he walked out on me, quit his job and moved back to his home state, some 8 hours away, to live with his mother and family. I’ve since discovered he has jumped full force into his lust and was, and is still, using using Instagtam Threads app to flirt with onlyfans girls,literally 33 days after he abandoned me and our 14 year sham of a marriage. The worst part is the last 4 to 5 years of our marriage, he became incredibly and increasingly verbally, emotionally and swxually abusive toward me. Don’t doubt for two minutes that I’m not at peace with his abrupt departure. But what makes me angry is that he knew my second husband had a perm addiction that also destroyed that marriage, prior to our even dating, and he still chose to involve himself with me and destroy the sense of worth I had fought to regain for 8 long, painful and lonely years! I mean, what kind of sadistic creature could do such a thing? At this point, I suspect he may not only suffer from a lust problem, but also a malignant personality disorder. Of course, I’m no licensed psychologist, but I can’t seem to come to any other conclusion considering his outright intentional cruelty toward me, his faithful and devoted wife of 14 years. At this point, I’m done with romantic relationships. I don’t think I have it in me to ever trust another man again. I know that’s sounds harsh, and perhaps it is, but I’m just not willing to risk my peace anymore.
I’m so sorry for your hurt. I’d encourage you to seek support from women who can walk with you and understand exactly what you’ve gone through. Check out fightforloveministries.org
My boyfriend and I have sought to have a Christ-centered relationship since we started dating 10 months ago. We want to get married next year, but I am struggling. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he had dealt with porn in the past, but had recently (prior to dating) gotten “clean”, had accountability, and was not struggling anymore. I had also dealt with porn in highschool and so it didn’t surprise me, but I took account of it. Every once and a while he has asked me to pray for him because he has had some struggles with lust again, but especially he has brought it up more with him going back home where he used to watch porn consistently. The empty time is a real killer, and being in a season of long-distance makes it so I can’t see him much in daily life. I trust him, and love him. I know his accountability partner and have met some of the guys from his mens group, but even so, I am struggling to not be worried about the long-term affects of this. How can he be doing so well in putting in intentional effort and still have relapses etc.? I know that I am small-minded, but I am trying to understand. We don’t talk about it often, which probably needs to change, but I don’t like talking about it! I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want to tarnish his name, but I am seeing the necessity for openness in some form. I am willing to fight with him, and by no means am I giving up because in this day and age finding a man willing and ready to fight his temptations is rare – I just don’t know what steps to take to help him because I don’t want to be more involved and talk about it because it hurts, yet I know I am the one being most affected by it other than him.
Sadly, Gail there are so many men that have a history of porn, I can’t tell you that you should just try to find another who has never looked at it. May not be possible. So, I think the positives are he’s talking to you about it. He’s probably feeling shame and scared he’ll lose you over it, but the fact that he’s not hiding and that he does have some accountability is a big positive. None of us comes into marriage without some baggage of some sort, but this issue does weigh heavy. Ask him if there’s a couple he’d be comfortable with you all sharing with and walking with through this? That could be a way for both of you to be supported. Many successful couples/marriages have walked through this issue. There’s great hope.
hey just recently i found out my boyfriend has this problem with porn and looking at women and when i found out i thought i wanted to breakup because it hurt so much but he told me he was willing to change and fix it to be with me and cried to me that i was not the problem. i found it hard to believe. the problem is that i have addressed the porn before and he told me he would stop and didnt. this time around he came clean and told me and admitted to looking at women. i thought it would lead to cheating so i broke it off for him to fix himself BY himself.. do you think i should be by his side or can he do this alone?? what if i stay he continues ?
No friend. You’re not married yet. You did the right thing. He’s gotta fix this on his own WITH outside help. If you were married, I’d say there were ways to support him. But, you were right to set this boundary.
Lord God, Help Me Please!!
What if his lust is for other men? Everything we pass an attractive, fit man, he looks and turns his head to get that second glance. He refuses to admit it, but I see it so clearly and don’t know what to do as there hasn’t been proof of infidelity, only suspicion.
I’m so sorry for this pain. Check out fight4love ministries – they have a support group for this exact struggle. You may also want to check out a book called “Unwanted” by James Stringer. It unpacks some of the challenges here too. I know this is a difficult struggle. Praying for you and for your marriage.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. He’s amazing other than the fact that I have been slowly but surely noticing a lust problem. Every date we’ve ever been on and every where we go he stares at women. He acts out of character anytime a remotely attractjve woman is present, even on the tv. Recently I discovered women in underwear and thongs and baithingsuits doing yoga unproffessionally all over his youtube. They weren’t teaching it, it was heabily sexualized.. and he doesnt do yoga. We are born again christians and are not having sex. I confronted him about this and he lied, and then eventually came clean. We’ve had issues like this smaller scale in the past.. i’ve been clear about boundaries..he said he’ll change and do what he has to…I don’t understand..I’m heart broken..and I don’t know what to do..
My husband of 40 years has had a love/lust relationship with a sister-in-law for 30 years. I have heard them making arrangements for physical union. He has repeatedly told me it was over. It never has been. He is a Christian. She is not. She is from a higher socioeconomic class than I was 40 years ago but this was important to him and his family. He is remorseful, but it appears he grieves her and has said “he just needs to see her”. It has been present through weddings, funerals, and holidays. It has of course ruined many occasions for me. On the last wedding of our daughter, he distanced himself from me to spend time with her. When I confronted him with this, he told me that he had wanted me to lose weight for decades (I’m a size 12-14 and have been this since high school) and healthy. He told me that sex was never sufficient quantity (3ish times per week) or quality so that he always had to imagine someone else in his mind – generally the sister-in-law. He continually has compared me to any other woman with a smaller body and thought his sex would be better if I looked like them. During the upheaval that followed, he said his sexual encounters prior to our marriage were same sex and that he married me to prove he was not gay. He now feels he is bisexual. I am reeling. I consider him a friend and want to protect our marriage. But I am devastated, insecure in my own body, and fear that I can never be vulnerable to be intimate with him again.
I’m so sorry. This is hurtful at every level and wrong. I pray you can get some support and counseling to help you heal from this hurt and wound.
I am so sorry you are facing such a hurt. Seeking out a biblical trauma betrayal counselor would be helpful for you to get healing, wisdom, and to establish healthy boundaries to protect your heart and mind. This is not an easy walk when there are such levels of hurt.
What if my husband doesn’t think it is sinful for him to lust after another woman? He has been working on himself to keep our marriage going for 22 years but now he wants to have him time without the family needing his own space. He feels like he is not cheating because its online. I feel that it is lust in his heart.
I’m so sorry, Ellen. Yes, Jesus is pretty clear that if you think about it in your heart, that is sin. He needs to read the book of Matthew. Praying you can get some help and support for the hurt you feel. Check out my friend Rosie’s ministry: fightforloveministries.org
I’ve been with my husband for 35 years. The pornography and lust started 9 years ago. He promises he’s stopped, then I find more evidence. The hard thing is, I get these feelings, that he’s doing something, and they have never been wrong. That’s how I’ve caught everything. He’s even tried to use incognito browsers to keep me from finding it. I recently found him on 3 dating sites. He said he was getting back at me, for lies that my own family told him about me. But because I have dealt with this for 9 years, I have betrayal trauma, and it’s bad. I left him over 2 years ago. But I still took care of him and did everything for him. I have so many questions, to which he gives me no answers. Except in the beginning, when I asked, and the answers he gave hurt worse than what he was doing. He said he was being a smarta**, because he couldn’t believe I was reacting like I did. He thought I was just being dramatic. He keeps doing it, and telling me it’s on purpose to hurt me. Because I left him. I had just made the decision to go back when I found the dating sites. So I didn’t go back. I’m severely traumatized. I can’t get over it. I refuse to have sex with him. I just can’t! He told me that my pictures, etc weren’t enough for him. That made me literally sick to hear! I don’t know if I can ever get over it while I’m married to him. I am seriously considering divorce. I can’t take my heart being broken anymore. I can’t stand the pictures of these tramps that play like a movie in my head, and the things he’s said, to intentionally hurt me. I don’t want a divorce necessarily But I don’t know how I can ever get over it. I’ve told him that until he’s remorseful, I can’t forgive him. He has not one time researched how to fix what HE messed up. I have, and sent it to him, he refused to read it for several months. He has apologized maybe 3-4 times. Only one seemed sincere. But he still didn’t stop. I don’t believe he ever will. He has lied so much, and caused me such pain and heartache, I don’t know what to do. I told him after I found the dating sites, that I would get revenge this time. But I can’t. I have morals and boundaries that I can’t cross. But I feel like until he has felt the pain that he’s caused me, he will never understand or be remorseful.
I read what was said… that it’s not about me, or how I look, etc. But when he told me that my pictures weren’t enough…there’s no way I can believe that it’s not me. He has been very cruel and done this so many times, just because he’s mad at me, how can I ever trust him again? I fear he’s going to push me into doing something totally out of character for me, that will hurt me way more than it will him. I REALLY Need help!!
Oh, friend. I’m so sorry. This is painful. It is not about you -but it’s easier for him to blame you than take responsibility for his own issues. I’d really encourage you to look at my friend Rosie’s ministry: https://fightforloveministries.org – She has support groups and other resources that can help you. This is what she does full time and what her ministry is all about. Please take look!! Praying for you and your journey. Hugs and Grace, Heather
I’m going through something similar. I knew about my husband’s struggle before we were married, and since his confession, he has been working on it so hard. He truly wants to change and has made great progress, but when his struggle gets harder mine does too. I resent him and have to repent. I become hardened towards him and don’t want to engage in intimacy with him. I forget how to be Jesus towards him. Sometimes I want to just yell and blame him for all the hurt in my heart. I want to push him far away like it feels he does to me. But then I remember he is a child of God, truly loves me, and wishes to be better. So then I feel ashamed for my selfish feelings. I want to support him but I am not perfect and often struggle. I understand mentally his struggle isn’t about me, but my heart doesn’t always believe it. I just keep going in a mental loop of having hope and then feeling despair and pain. I don’t have anyone to go to about this issue so I feel very lonely and isolated. We just have to keep going and I know God will continue to bring healing, but it is such a hard road.
Oh it is such a hard road. Give yourself the grace and the space to grieve and feel the disappointment and frustration. There is absolutely no shame there. You should look into my friend Rosie’s program – fight4love – I know she has support groups. You may find some comfort in a group of women that you can share with and here from -but who don’t know you or your husband in real life. It is a hard road but there is SO much hope for a better outcome on the other side. I’d just encourage you both to get the outside support you need!! Hugs and Grace!!
Let me give you Rosie’s actual website too: https://fightforloveministries.org
Wow, you are a very strong woman of God, your story brought tears and pain to me. I know this to be true but I don’t know if I can be so strong. I feel like I can’t handle much more. The man makes me sick.
I feel like I need to sit down and have coffee with you and I don’t even know you lol So much research on this trying to heal and this article brought me so much encouragement. I have been hurt recently by a pastor that said “I’m sorry if you have been told this has nothing to do with you, there is no clearer picture he could paint than to tell you your body isn’t good enough.” That cut so deeply. Will the pain ever end
I’m so sorry you heard that somewhere. I truly hope you will forward this to that pastor and tell him I’d like to have a talk with him too!! Please check out my friend Rosie’s ministry “Fight for Love” https://fightforloveministries.org – You may find lots of support there too to help know you are not alone in this!!
Heather,
With the heaviest of hearts I’ve come in search to find a bit of inner peace. I’ve been with my spouse for 9 years. Recently he confessed to me that during all these years he’s had a lust problem. He’s watched porn, fantasized over almost every woman he’s ever met, seen on t.v. He even admitted to fantasizing about my relatives. Not a single woman who’s crossed his path has been safe from his lustful mind. He admitted to flirting with numerous of women all these years. He’s admitted to kissing 2 women in these 9 years. He admitted to even doing witch craft in the hopes of getting a coworker to like him. He’s gone through a very dark hole. He’s never been a religious kind of guy. 3 months before he confessed everything to me he began to read the bible. He then asked me to start going to a Christian church with him every Sunday. I was overfilled with joy in this change. I felt like God had finally answered my prayers. It felt like my husband’s eyes were finally opened and he had a spiritual awakening. When he finally confessed everything to me one night my heart and soul shattered. I never saw it coming. I feel so betrayed. So worthless. So insecure and broken. I can’t help but feel such a rage towards him that I can’t control. I gave him everything. I’ve always supported him in every way. How could he do this to me? He admitted that he had a dream where the devil laughed at him and told him he would never go to heaven because of everything he’s done to me, which is why he decided to confess. He says he loves me profoundly and that he wants to make things right to me. That he’s a holy man now and wants to do right by God our savior. He has changed so much in these last 3 months. His faith is strong, but he still struggles with his lustful actions. I understand that this is an addiction that can’t be stopped from one day to another. It’s extremely painful to be by his side supporting him knowing he thinks of other women naked, and knowing what’s he’s done throughout our whole time together. He tells me he needs me to be more affectionate and intimate towards him because it helps him control his lustful thoughts more but I’m emotionally and spiritually disconnected with him. Every time he wants affection I can’t help but picture everything’s he’s told me he’s done in my mind. My mental health is so deteriorated. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I pray that God gives me the strength to overcome all this. I really do. I’m having an extremely hard time overcoming my own demons to help him overcome his . It feels like he’s being selfish for asking me to help him when he’s the one who broke me.
Oh my friend, it does hurt. It hurts so bad because it was never supposed to be this way. We have to grieve the loss of this dream, the way God designed it to be– just husband and wife, united, without any “additions.” And, yet, we all struggle. I’d encourage you to seek out my friend Rosie’s ministry Fight4Love. She has so many more resources and answers than I could offer. I’d also encourage you to remember that we’re all broken. It’s not just him. I’m not saying that you have reciprocated his actions or have hurt him in the same way he’s hurt you. But, I did find, for me, it was most helpful when I stopped believing the subtle lie that he was the only broken one in our relationship. I had plenty of my own brokenness…it was just a different kind of brokenness. We ALL need a savior. There’s so much hope for you and your marriage. Please don’t give up. He does need men around him to support and help him. You need women around you to support and help you too. You do need to be on his team as he gets help and gets well, but you can’t be his only support or his main support -because the weight of that will crush you. Praying God continues to strengthen you both and gets you the support you need. He does care. He does see. And, he can heal the ways you’re both hurting. Hugs and grace, Heather
I feel like I need to sit down and have coffee with you and I don’t even know you. I have been doing so much research on this topic and have been hurt very recently by a pastor that said “I’m sorry if you ever hear this has nothing to do with you” it has everything to do with you and your appearance and body. I feel I may never get over the hurt and this pain is so ….painful. will it ever truly be healed
After reading many post I come a couple of questions, if it isn’t about the way we look why do husbands still lust and look at other women? If they say they are happily married and say they love us and think we are the only one for them, why does temptation of looking at other women always happen? Why do men look at women regardless of what the other women looks like when their wife already has more than enough beauty, assets, and everything attracted to them.? When you mention give him grace through the process what exactly does it mean to give grace? If men don’t find other women’s assets more attractive then their wives then why do they still look? Is it the sensation of looking they enjoy? I think this is why so many women compare because why don’t their husbands just ask hey can you wear that? Or I’m attracted to bikinis, or skirts or whatever the case is. If their wives already have a nice body why look at someone else’s body? If it’s about clothing, or certain things why not ask their partner to do it
Oh Cari. I really wish it was as simple as having a woman dress differently. Lust issues are often about things that are so far below the surface, they can not be fixed by changing one’s appearance or clothing. It’s not about what they’re attracted to… it’s about something deeper. Just like body image issues affect women who are the standard of beauty, lust issues don’t have anything to do with bodies. ❤️
I have met someone I really like and he has been open with me from the start stating he has a lust problem (mainly with myself) but has had this since his divorce and it seems to be getting worse. We have discussed things about the future but I don’t think it would be a good idea to get involved until this issue is dealt with. I would so love your thoughts on this.
Hey there – I have a podcast coming out next month where we’re talking about dealing with this issue with your husband – but towards the end of it – we talk about what to do if you’re dating someone who is battling lust. I think you’d find it really helpful. But, the short story is, we have to realistic about the truth that – according to the data -many men (and women too) are battling lust and pornography. Can you find someone for whom this isn’t a battle? Maybe, but there’s no promise of that. Instead of looking at this as the deal-breaker “sin” – it may be more helpful to talk through what it looks like to get some help for this problem. You have to know, personally, whether or not this is something you want to walk through with him (and that part is entirely up to you!). But, we all have sin issues in our lives and when we get married – we latch ourselves to our partner’s struggles too. I think you’re wise, thinking like you are. My only caution would be to know that even when it’s “dealt with” it may resurface or be an area of struggle that you’ll have to revisit. Any man (or woman) who is willing to talk about these issues, have accountability, and get help for their areas of struggle is showing signs of great potential. If all/most men struggle–then finding a man who is willing to admit that he needs help for the struggle is a huge win! The bigger problem is when the guy you’re with denies, hides, or doesn’t want to acknowledge the problem. This is where wives/women get crushed by the weight of this huge issue in their marriage that they see and he won’t admit to. My encouragement to you is to keep having the conversation if he’s willing. Ask him if he’s willing to be accountable to a group of guys… if he’s willing to put filters in place on TV and computer and phone. If he’s willing to keep talking about it. And, then, MOST of all, let the Lord lead you and guide you. Sometimes these issues surface as a protection for us for the future. Sometimes they surface so we can work on them together as part of our sanctification process (and his). Only you know for sure how God is guiding you. Praying you’ll have clarity and peace!
I have been married 35 years. Off and on through the years I have discovered my husband looking at porn. I don’t know how often. At times I ignored it and other times I confronted him. I tried to express how it makes me feel. He always gave me an excuse, and one time said he is sorry.
Recently I discovered it again. I don’t want to confront him because he will get defensive and accuse me of looking for it.
I know you mention it is not about me. I just don’t know how to deal with it. At this point I don’t think he will stop even knowing it bothers me. He would never admit it is a problem. Below is why it bothers me.
It hurts. I feel like our lack of intamacy is because he is looking at it and has no interest in me. I feel when we are intimate that he is thinking about porn during it. I feel he doesn’t care how I feel about it. What really hurts is it makes me sick that he is looking at other naked woman and getting aroused by them. I feel like he is cheating on me. It is a sin.
I don’t want to refuse intimacy when he does initiate it but his watching porn (even if it is infrequent) is affecting me.
It hurts so bad. I pray. I don’t know how to deal with this. Our marriage is very important to me. I wish he would be more understanding of me and stop.
Thank you.
I’m so so sorry my friend. I do understand. It’s like any other addiction that a spouse has. If he were an alcoholic – it would obviously affect your marriage- but it would be up to him to stop the drinking. It’s so hard when there’s not much we can do to control the ways our spouse is hurting our relationship. My encouragement to you would be as follows: 1) Pray. Pray hard. Know that this battle will only be won by the holy spirit working in your husband’s heart to set him free from the lies of lust and the ensnarement of porn. 2) Have you been able to tell him, calmly and rationally – and not at at time when he’s just been caught – how you feel and how this is consuming your thought life? The key is staying calm and not accusing. But, I do think talking about this, expressing concern that you are stuck in thoughts about this and that’s hurting your marriage. Ask him if he feels it’s a problem for him? Ask him if he sees it hurting your marriage too? If it’s really infrequent – he may not think about it– and it may be something he’s been trying to beat and so he may feel he’s doing WELL in this area – because it’s so infrequent. So, be careful not to sound accusing or condemning. Chances are, the enemy is already doing that to him. 3) If you can have this conversation – tell him you are on his side. Even if you can’t have this conversation – remember that you NEED to be on his side. Being opposed to him in this won’t help. He has a struggle, as his spouse – you can offer to help. You can’t fix it. But, you can be his ally in this. Remember – you don’t fight flesh and blood – you are fighting the enemy who wants to destroy your marriage. If the enemy can use occasional porn exposure to put you on opposite sides, divide you, and make you mad at each other – he’s winning (no matter what your husband’s looking at). I’d encourage you to remember that your husband isn’t the enemy, satan is. And then, finally, 4) You are, at the end of the day, responsible for yourself and your actions before God. What does God ask of wives? What does God expect of us? We can sit around all day saying “but he does this, and he does that…” But, that’s not going to be an excuse that works in heaven. Like I tell my children – don’t tell me what he did that “caused” you to act that way– tell me what you did. You are responsible for you. It’s not easy. Oh, friend, it’s not easy at all. Especially with all the hurt and shame it can cause a wife. I get that. But trust God to work, lean on the real Holy Spirit to convict (he does a better job than when I try to pretend I’m the holy spirit following my husband around and letting him know everything he’s getting wrong!;)) And then …TAKE your thoughts captive. Do not allow them to spiral. Do not look at what he’s watched. Do not try to figure out what he’s “into” and do not quench that desire to “see what kind of woman he likes” — None of these things will help you. And, they’re not truly answering the questions either. Porn is not about love, it’s about control and lust. It’s not even about attraction. Real attraction can fade as soon as a beautiful woman opens her mouth… Real attraction takes personality too. So, it’s not even that he’s attracted to these women – it’s a different thing. So, take those thoughts captive. Don’t dwell on them. Remember, your husband is a sinner – just like we all are. If he sat around dwelling on your sins – it wouldn’t be helpful for either of you. So, let him get his stuff straight with God, be there for him, but don’t let his sin dominate your thoughts about him. Write down things you appreciate about him. Focus on things you are grateful for about what he does or who he is. Don’t characterize him by this one sin. Don’t demonize him. Instead, understand his struggle (like all of our struggles) with sin is real. Praying this helps you, friend, and praying for your marriage.
Thank you so much Heather for your reply. I have in the past talked to my husband. I dont think when I tell him how I feel that he understands, or maybe he does and doesnt want to admit it or stop. He is not that easy to talk to about this. If I asked him if he thought he has a problem with it he probably would blow up at me saying to me “it is all about you”. I am not sure if he even feels that there is something wrong with this. Thats what hurts most.
I cant get past that when I am not home or when he is alone that he is watching it and looking at naked woman. I will try not to dwell on like you said it but it is hard.
I am proud that we have been married for 35 years. Deep down I know he does love me and there are many things good about him. You are right we all our sinners. I love him very much.
I will continue to pray. Thanks again!
35 years is amazing. I’m not giving up on your marriage and I pray you won’t either! Praying that God will do a healing work here – convicting of sin and healing hearts. Hugs and grace and many prayers for you, that God will protect your heart and give you the courage and strength to keep fighting the REAL enemy for your marriage!
I understand your struggle. 25 years of my marriage I have been told I am beautiful, loved, and wanted. He does show affection and express his feelings in words and actions. But behind my back he is lusting after other women, looking at porn. How can he say he loves me right before or after he just intentionally googled naked women. I am completely broken and in same boat as you
You mention porn is about control and lust, but most men also become infatuated with other women and think about spending time and being with them. My husband fell in love with the 23 year old female worship pastor at our church. He admired her beauty, talent, and the sexual voice she used when talking to the whole congregation. He was having fantasies about this modestly dressed woman during worship. He has confessed to desiring countless other women in our church family. Our husbands are on a regular basis desiring, falling for, and lusting for our friends, family, and even people at church. It is better to be single.
Hello, I have only been married for 5 years and my husband has a serious issue with lust and anger. He was alone for 15 years before we got married, and I think he is addicted to seeking out other women to lust after, and then he tries to get close to me. It makes me sick when he does this which is alot, and I dont want him to come near me when he does this. He knows he’s breaking my heart and that it’s wrong but continues to do this. He also is very narcissistic and I dont think that helps at all. He led me to believe he was a sweet christian man when we dated, but shortly before we were married he really showed his true colors and more so once we were married. If I say anything to him he gets very angry and tells me he’s sick of me starting with him and that I am the one who hurts him by bringing it up. He has called me other women’s names several times. I just keep praying that God will heal him and send us to a christian who my husband will listen to and not lie or get defenseless with.
Thank you for listening and praying. I pray for everyone who has emailed you. Amen! Praise God! He can work miracles!
Tammy, we’ll keep praying for you. Have you looked into Fight For Love ministries? They have a lot of good resources for Christian women in the same position you are in. I hope you’ll check them out! https://www.fightforloveministries.org
Thank you, I will look into that. I appreciate your reply and information. It helps to know there are other people going through this and we can all pray for each other.
Thank you again,
Tammy
Hey, I came across your website. I recently found out from my boyfriend that he deals with lust and sexual urges. He went through a dark lonely time growing up in high school amd gave into his lustful desires essentially becoming a player his senior year. We are both graduated and we love each other a lot. He wants to marry me one day as do I him. He has cheated on me once but in the beginning of our relationship (we knew each other in high school but then I moved 2 hours away, so we were long distance) his father is a worship leader and his mother a preacher. He was raised in a great loving environment and on great values that I cherish. When he confessed his recent lust problems, he said that he no longer wants to watch porn because he knows it can and will destroy our relationship. We are very close and I replied with “I understand you are confiding in me. I am your best friend and partner and we will get through this together.” However I keep having nightmares of him cheating on me. I cry and it keeps me up at night. But I know he is sorry because he bawled his eyes out after he cheated on me, because he knew he gave into his lustful desires. What do I do. I need help, my thoughts torment me daily…. but I love him and we have amazing communication and trust. I’m just struggling with the forgetting part. I have forgiven him though. It just hurts me still and he knows it does. He has been an amazing and loving affectionate boyfriend always putting me first. Please help me find ways to have closure.
Hey friend – a few things. Just as he has to take lustful thoughts captive, you have to take your thoughts captive too. You have to “cast down” imaginations and practice Phil. 4:8 (what to think on… whatsoever things are true, lovely, of good report…) and then 1 Corinthians 13 – the love chapter (love believes all things, gives the benefit of the doubt, believes the best). We women can spiral ourselves into a tizzy over so many things – ESPECIALLY in this area. So, please hear no judgment. I’ve done it too. But, my encouragement to you is to take the thoughts captive. If you marry him, you will be marrying a sinner. But, ANY many you marry will be a sinner and, guess what, you are too! 🙂 He may stumble again, and you’ll have to decide to be on his team and help him fight this serious temptation to sin. The enemy won’t give up tempting him, and neither will he give up tempting you to obsess over it. It’s a tough road – I’m not going to sugar-coat it. But, you can have a wonderful relationship and eventual marriage if you are both honest and open about this and if you are both committed to doing what scripture says and fighting the evil one (remember we wrestle not against flesh and blood) — together. I pray that helps you!! Praying for you now!
I told a lady friend of mine whom i got to know just over a year ago..and although shes much younger than me..she is incredibly beautifull! Fantastic figure..but the most beautifull eyes and soothing voice I have seen in years….It was love at first sight..but she was about to be retrenched..and came from a “broken home” so I asked God what to do to help this lady..He replied..Love her…..(HIS WAY)
A year later…I discovered after chatting to her over time..that she had been mesed around by a previous boyfriend….and although i was much older than her (50 years!).(shes 20)..we had clicked..and she even mentioned..that she had allowed me into her life..by telling me all about her struggles when small….she had never been loved by her parents..who still are struggling financially!!! I stepped in..as JESUS towards her..and it took a while for her to realize this….We have had NO physical contact..not even a hug(well half of one..few days ago…) ..for the past year..but we are there for each other…and linked up on whatsapp platform……Yes..I have recently told her have a “small lust” issue…and she was amazed and slightly upset….and I told her it was of my flesh..and was wrong…She seemed to understand this and has gotten over it..after I told her I asked for forgiveness…We are ok now..shes studying to become a teacher online..and Im supporting her best i can….Praise God!!!We meet up..in a public place..enjoy time together….but never get passionately or intimately involved with each other…just good close friends..As she is not working..I often give her small parcels of goodies…and sometimes little boodie for printing issues for her studies….
I am stressed out! My boyfriend *not husband* looks at pictures of girls on instagram & Its actually gone as far as im making his sins my sins… I know it sounds weird but im trying everything to try to understand why he does it…. Im praying for him and myself, please do the same. Thank you
Yes, Lyn. That’s so hard. I will pray. I’d encourage you not to look at what he’s looking at. That exacerbates the problem… beyond adopting the sin as your own, it can also make your brain a little crazy with thoughts like “Is that what he really wants???” I encourage all women who have a man who looks at the stuff to NOT view what he’s viewing. It doesn’t help. The enemy taunts us that it will help us “understand” better… but it won’t. Guard your eyes. Shield them from this. Pray. And, understand that what he looks at in this arena is a different issue than regular attraction. Lust issues are often about control and anger.
Hello, I found your website by just typing how I need help with my husband’s lust issues, and it really does help to know that I’m not going through this alone. I keep praying and praying for him, and I do have faith in God that he is going to heal him it’s just in each day’s moment I feel that I can’t handle his issues any longer. My situation sounds like the one lady who said how her husband lusted after an in-law. My husband has made things very difficult with my family due to his issues. One thing is that my husband is not happy with my body. It’s not perfect but his isn’t either, but in his mind he has the perfect body. I try to take good care of myself and I am going to have plastic surgery due to age and weight lose, but I feel that my husband keeps comparing me to twenty year old girls and we are both close to 50, but I don’t look anywhere near that. I try very hard to always look my best but my body is just not perfect. When we are intimate he does try to be there emotionally for me because he knows how I feel about that, but he can be a little rough with me and has called me other women’s names on more than one occasion. I have even caught my husband whispering to himself fantasizing about other women while we were intimate. He also does this when he goes to bed and has sex dreams throughout the night. What hurts so much is that he is purposely fantasizing about someone else and he does this almost every day. I have even caught him doing this if we just are cuddling or if he takes a nap in his chair. I have confronted him about this numerous times, and he admits it’s wrong and God doesn’t want him to do this and he promises to stop but I have become so paranoid about his issues that I am constantly questioning him and watching him to the point that he said that he doesn’t have to put up with me any longer, that I am pushing him away. Well, I tell him how does he thinks he makes me feel. I told him he doesn’t make me want to be close to him. He will then apologize and promise again he will stop, and I do believe he does try to stop this behavior but I believe he needs to give it to God and he desperately needs a good christian male friend who would help keep him accountable. I pray God sends a good christian friend into his life soon.
Thank you again for posting your history with these issues. It does help.
I know how you feel because Im also struggling with my husband’s lust. Did you talk to him about counseling? I pray for all the wives that are struggling right now with their husband’s lust. May our dear Lord helps us get through this.
Hi, I have tried and will continue to do so but he gets so defensive when we go to counseling. He is very narcissistic and quickly becomes angry.
Im so glad i found this post. I keep searching online for an answer to my problem. My husband and i been married for almost 13 years and I just found out my husband has lust for transwomen (pre-op) by watching porn. This obsession started 1 year ago and getting intense for the last 6 months. He said he is more attracted to them than straight women. Sometimes when we have sex he imagines them. I am so hurt by this. He said he is confuse and wants to stop this obsession but he doesnt know how. He said he still loves me and i feel that. He is having a delima whether if he should explore this desire in real life to find out if this is what he really wants. He said he is afraid that if he stays with me and not sexually satisfied that he will just hurt me even more. I am open to try new things to sexually satify him but its only him and me no other person involve. Part of him wants to be with me and he is looking for a solution to stop this desire. He wants to see a sex therapist and see if he can stop this. I know he is trying so its not too late yet. Please pray for him to have enlightenment. I hope we can get through this. Thank you.
Hey Friend, I’m so sorry for your hurt in all of this. I can only imagine how painful and hard this is. I would encourage you, strongly, that if your husband is a Christian he should not see a sex therapist but a Christian counselor. All sexual sin is perversion. He needs to talk to someone who will give him biblical truth about what the real struggle is — it’s not a struggle with straight versus trans — this is a struggle with sin. Sexual satisfaction is not our god. There’s not a solution for this desire by acting it out or exploring whether or not it’s legitimate… for a Christian- the answer is that it’s sin. We have to submit our desires to God and ask him to forgive us and to help us in our temptation to sin again. There’s a lot of junk out there that allows us to go into our “feelings” and explore things that God spells out as right or wrong. Praying that you can both get some help to find freedom from the porn and find renewed intimacy and closeness in your marriage. Hugs and Grace.
Thank you so much for your advice. He is not very religious but he was born catholic and he believes that there is God. I searched online for Christian sex therapist and i found one. He is planning to book for counseling.
I’m reaching out to you truly broken as a woman tonight. I haven been battling aggressive breast cancer and had to have both of my breast removed. So many secrets have derived out of my own insecurities as woman in my marriage. I have gone through my husbands phone and all of his social media and have discovered the most horrid things. So many women….. down to him even making a video on pornhub to reaching out to other women. When I confronted him with this information he promised me that he has not cheated and that the internet is not real. Those women are not real and are only pictures/images. I know I should pray for my husband but my heart is so broken and can’t even find the words to say. I know that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but His sickness is pulling me away from God and back into the world I fear. I am constantly comparing my bodies to these worldly women and I just imagine my self being one of them. My husband tells me that he loves me and I do believe him but I keep thinking that if you love someone then why would you do the very thing that hurts them so very much. It reminds me of how we say we love God but continue to grieve the Holy Spirit when we betray him with our actions.I find myself crying so very much we have been married for 10 years I am 32 years old.
I am so, so, so sorry for your pain and all you have been through with cancer and in your marriage. I pray most of all that you will realize that lust issues are never about love and rarely have anything to do with the man’s feelings towards his actual wife. (Sometimes yes, but know that if he says he loves you…that’s not “in opposition” to what he’s doing online.) He has a cancer of his own. And, though he thinks it’s only affecting part of him – he doesn’t see or understand how it affects you too. I’m not sure if you will be the one to convince him of this or if it’s going to require outside help. Of course, he has to be willing to submit to the help and, above all, see that it is sin and it is wrong. I’m afraid that last part may be hardest in your case. It seems as if someone has convinced him that because it’s not real, it’s okay. But, the Bible reminds us that what happens in our hearts is Jesus standard… If a man looks on a woman with lust, he’s committed adultery with her… so that tells a much different story. My guess is he does feel guilt and shame over what he’s done – and that makes it harder to deal with it and get help. The enemy has convinced him it’s not wrong, and though he says he believes him (he doesn’t think it’s wrong either), he’s still hiding it. My best advice for you my friend is to pray and start to seek Godly counsel for yourself. If there’s someway you can both get into counseling with a biblical counselor -that would be ideal. But, if he’s not there yet – you go for yourself. I’d encourage you to tell him that this is hurting and impacting you and your marriage and so if he won’t go with you -you still need to go. I do hope you’ll take some comfort in the truth that it seems he really does love you. Just like any addict — their habits hurt other people –yet they can convince themselves their problem is just about them. They don’t make the connection that it hurts others until they see it- and, at least in the case of alcohol/drugs — a lot of times its seeing the devastating impact on others that leads people to get help. But, just like at the AA meeting- he has to come to the place where he sees that he has a problem first. I’m praying for you and your marriage. The enemy rejoices in taking out Christians with the lure of porn. I’m praying his protection on you and your heart and that he will heal your marriage and your body. You sound like you have your head on straight around all this -it’s just hard when your heart hurts to much. Praying God will be your peace and comfort as you walk through this! And, I’m hopeful that the Holy Spirit will convict your husband and bring him to a place of repentance where he is willing to seek the help he needs so the two of you can turn this corner. Hugs and grace, my friend.
Heather,
I came across your blog and I am desperate for help. I have no one to talk to because the things that go on are too shameful and I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone about it. The one person I could open up to is my sister in law who I have become extremely paranoid about because she is beautiful and I feel like my husband lusts after her. He has told me he had dreams about his brother showing him sexually explicit things of her. He has told me he is jealous of his brother and his life and how him and his spouse have so much fun together. He often comments about her body and plastic surgery procedures. On Christmas I noticed him checking her out almost what felt like constantly. He also recently deleted the entire thread of messages they had between the two of them. Four months ago he came clean with me that he suffers from a lust and pornography addiction. He ended up doing this because i kept innocently coming across him searching all these ladies that he works with on social media. When i would ask him why he would become very angry and defensive and would try to lie about it. I really had no idea because he will verbalize how against pornography he is and how bad and damaging it is. I was living in blissful ignorance and now I can’t shake the hurt, jealousy, insecurity and anger I feel. I find myself constantly monitoring and watching to see if he is looking at other woman which I have caught him doing many times and it makes me painfully aware that he does not look at me that way at all. I find myself constantly hoping that he will touch me kiss me show affection for me or give me compliments. When it doesnt happen which it really never does in even close to the capacity I need I find myself get angry bitter or depressed and anxious. I cant talk to him about much because he is easily angry and triggered by the conversation. He has made hurtful comments about my appearance which hasn’t helped the situation at all. I feel so desperate because it is severely affecting my mental health. I find myself fighting back tears at work. I cry hysterically sometimes both to and from work. Its so bad that I become physically ill. I beg God to help me and to focus on just being a good wife and not worry or obsess about his sins. It is truly one of the worst experiences of my life and I have walked through some other hard things. I truly believe that he does not love me anymore and I fear what the future holds. We have been together for nine years and I desperately want and need to feel loved and cherished. He is just not there as far as being able to be emotionally available, loving or affectionate to me. I feel like its to the point that I need to just withdraw (emotionally not physically) and try to save myself.
I’m so sorry for your hurt. I’m going to reach out to you personally with the email address you used instead of posting my response publicly.
I don’t know who to reach out to and I’ve never told anyone, but almost this same thing is happening to me as well, like a lot of these other women too.
Ive been all consumed by it for months on end. Not a single day goes by where I can forget what’s happened. Ive lost all worth in myself and value of my life. Even before this I struggled with depression issues, but now it’s just amplified. I try to think about things I don’t like in him just to get by, I know that’s evil, it hurts so much. The constant lying and covering up I never feel I’m being told the truth. We’ve made steps to fix this, but at this point I feel I can never get over it. Sad part is, is we are basically newlyweds.
Ive needed help for a while.
Hey there – I’m so sorry to hear your story and for the delay in response (I was on vacation.) Have you checked out Fight For Love ministries and podcast? They have a bunch of Christian resources for women whose husbands are struggling with porn. The best thing I can recommend to you is to not try to fight this alone. It will feel so lonely and isolating and you’ll think it’s about you – it’s not. I pray you can get the help you need and that your husband will get the help he needs to get free. Praying God’s hand of protection all over your marriage too! Hugs and grace.
Thank you for this article, I recently found a disgusting video on my husbands phone and ever since she’s had a new group of friends he hangs out with I’ve been dealing with this. I had a neck who dealt with this and we got divorced because he cheated and I don’t want history to repeat itself so this helps. I will ask God to help me find the right time and place to talk to him about what I’ve seen. Lord help us!
I’m so sorry, Leticia. Can I pray for you? Dear Heavenly Father- I pray that you will show up for my friend right now, this week. That you will comfort her and fill her with your peace and love. I pray that you will convict her husband of his sin and bring him to a place of repentance and confession. I humbly ask that you will intervene and protect their marriage from all schemes of the enemy including the trap of lust and pornography. Protect their hearts and their bond. Give my friend the strength to confront hard truths with love and your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
My husband doesn’t only have a porn problem but he keeps messaging and/or commenting ladies and asking them things like do they wear short mini skirts and telling them that they look good.
I am not okay. I am in this place and I don’t know what to do.
He’s reached out to some people but nothing has helped because he still does it. It won’t happen for a while and then it starts happening.
Looking at other women is bad enough but talking to them!
I’m so sorry. That hurts a lot. Have you been able to find good counsel anywhere? I think he needs some counseling for sure, but I’m wondering if a christian counselor wouldn’t help you process and walk through the hurt as well. My husband and I spent years in counseling and it was a tremendous help to us. Praying for your heart, I can only imagine the depths of your hurt.
Its weird he had to apologize to you for being honest. You crying because he struggles with a sin seems a bit overly dramatic. Did you confess all your struggles to him to have him storm out on you?
Your prayer broke my hardened heart.. Thank you.
Hi heather, I read your story online about your husband’s lust issue and I can really use advice. I understand that you don’t know me or my husband, but I feel I have no one to go to. If you’re willing to read, I would like to explain our problem and give a little background.
My husband and I are newly weds, we are 25 and 26. We met in church and started dating in 2013. I knew he had issues with porn and he even sought counseling. I was confident that this was my man of God, because he knew he had an issue but he still wanted to have victory through Jesus.
However my world is now torn. I found he had took pictures of my mother and saved them on his phone. She was sitting right across from him at dinner wearing a dress that showed cleavage.
When I first found these pictures and confronted him, he denied it. But then he admitted it and he is embarrassed, ashamed, you name it. It’s been 2 days and we can’t look at each other.
Am I crazy for wanting to help him and stay married to him? Or am I enabling Him after the line he crossed is too far…
Oh friend. I’m so sorry for your pain. I think the most important thing to remember is that “our hearts are desperately wicked, who could know them” (Jeremiah 17:9). We’re all sinners saved by grace alone. Porn and lust issues are awful for us to deal with as women. They hurt to the core. They rock us. They make us question everything. There’s not much that is more painful. But, God’s sacrifice – his love, his grace, covers them just the same as it covers my sin and yours. Porn/lust are sins that are more obvious or out there (sometimes) than other sins, but they are still forgivable…God’s still able and willing to redeem them just like any other sin. So, all that to say. You have a decision to make – you can either love him, as Christ would, and try to help him on the path to kindness and repentance so he can find freedom and you can find healing in your marriage. Or, you can give up. Now, I’ll say, because this is a sin very, very common to most men – I don’t think “find a man who doesn’t struggle with this” is an option. So, I’d take that off the table. Should friends counsel you to “find someone else” – they’re missing reality. You’re not enabling him unless you’re buying him porn or watching with him, etc… Sticking by him – as your marriage vows likely stated — is certainly not the same as enabling. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. It doesn’t mean that he may not stumble again. It will be a journey. And you should know there are many Christian men who think marriage will “fix” it for them and then find themselves struggling even more once they are married! It’s fairly common. But, if he’s willing to get help, if he wants to get well – there is great hope. Encourage him to meet with someone. Encourage him to be talking to a wiser, mature Christian man who can guide him through this. Or, maybe he goes back to the counselor? Or, finds another counselor? Most of the time these issues are deep and he may need years of counseling – it’s worth every penny. I’d also recommend you have a policy where you talk about it. Bringing it to the light always offers freedom. Don’t ask for details -those won’t help you. But, let him tell you if he’s struggling so that you can pray for him. He will need to know that you are on his team. That you want to stand by him in this struggle. That will be SUPER hard. Especially at first. But, it’s so worth it. You’re not crazy for wanting to stay married, friend. I think that’s the biblical response given what you’ve shared. The enemy wants to destroy marriages. This is one way he does it. You will have to fight. He will have to fight. But, you can overcome this. You can have a beautiful story 3, 5, 10 years from now of how you’ve overcome. Don’t give up. Where to start? I’d have a conversation. Say, “Hey – this breaks my heart -but I want to help you fight, if you want to fight? Do you want this to be part of our marriage or do you want to get free” (not verbatim, of course… but something along those lines!). Let him know you’re on his side if he wants to get freedom. Praying that helps and praying for your marriage, that God will protect it. And, most of all, that God will protect your heart and fill you with his love, grace, and wisdom.
My husband is a sex addict. He attends a 12 step meeting once a week. He does not have a sponsor, no community with other men and refused to go to therapy. I am 64 years old and often men still “hit on me”. They say things like “you are so intriguing, you are very beautiful, look must be around 50 something years old”. (These are men in my condo building). I am devastated that my husband cannot or refuses to see me as other men see me. I do not tell anyone my age and I DO NOT like being “hit on” by men other than my husband. After years and years ( he brought his addiction into our marriage) my husband blindsided me with the fact that he is sex addict and used porn for 40 years! I was shocked and I now feel I am not enough. He has erectile dysfunction and intimacy anorexia.
I am alone in my marriage. I beg Jesus to take me home to him as he is the only man who I trust. Jesus alone is my strength, my hope, my friend who loves me as I am.
As my husbands porn and lust grew ( and I caught him) he has become distanced ( more and more) emotionally. He has narcissistic traits; he becomes defensive, gaslights me and denies he has any triggers. I love him but it is killing me as a person.
I notice hot men, I immediately look away and Jesus removes any thoughts that could lead to lust. I know it can be overcome only through Jesus.
I will have to separate from my husband as his behaviours ( going into single women’s homes) is causing me to be triggered and distressed daily.
Could you please pray for me to be strong and separate from my husband? I truly believe this is the only way he will hit rock bottom. I have one friend who agrees and she is a STRONG beautiful Christian. I am so sad that he cannot be sexually attracted to me as I have a strong sex drive, I am adventurous and I am open sexually. I can talk about sex openly and he is “shut down” towards me. I have lost all hope of him being in TRUE recovery.
I have developed physical illnesses living with him which is common (I lead a betrayal support group) and every woman has physical illnesses due to being with a sex/porn addict.
I can only change myself and set boundaries and I must separate from my husband as he is toxic and making me physically sick and destroying my soul.
Hi Heather, thank you so much for your article, it was extremely tough to read but I know I needed to. Your courage to endure what you did is remarkable. My struggle is similar to one of the ladies above, Jay. I’m engaged to someone who is in bondage to lust. He got divorced 7 years ago and was addicted to porn but eventually stopped, seemingly overnight. However even though he got saved shortly after the divorce he continued to pursue many casual sexual relationships with the typical “Playboy” type of girl, and I noticed very early in our relationship how he gawks at women who have a certain profile. It feels disrespectful, demeaning and incredibly hurtful to me, and your advice that it’s not about me made sense, but it’s still incredibly hard to action. My fiancé struggles to love genuinely, it feels mechanical sometimes, and even though we haven’t been sexually intimate the few times we got a little out of hand I can just sense the lust in him (not loving and he doesn’t look me in the eyes at all). We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’m petrified to marry him unless he has been delivered. He has told me he wants healing and has fasted and prayed about it. He isn’t keen for counselling as he believes only Jesus can help him. God is clearly fighting for our relationship as I have left him a few times and wanted to many times more, but He keeps bringing us back together. I also always remind myself that I have issues too with pride and insecurity so I’m not perfect and I’ve been working on the fear which I’ve let in. My self-confidence and sense of safety in the world has really taken a big knock. I know I have to trust in Jesus only though, I get this right for a while and then wobble again and fight with my fiancé again. He gets tired of my attacks of fear. My question to you, which I would massively appreciate your advice on, is would it perhaps be better for my fiancé to heal on his own, without me, before we consider getting married? Is it wise for us to rather be apart for a while? I’ve prayed so much for strength and wisdom but today just feel so confused. I so often want to use my free will and leave him but then wonder if it’s the spirit of fear egging me on instead of the Holy Spirit.. Thank you for listening.
I’m so sorry for your hurt. I hesitate to offer advice too quickly because I don’t know you or your fiancé. My gut from reading what you’ve read says that you have doubts and hesitations that may be telling you not to do it. If you felt good about it, you probably wouldn’t have reached out, right?id probably pay attention to that. It is not about you. His problem are his problems. They can be forgiven and he can change, but he has to be really desperate to do so. Saying only Jesus can help him is correct BUT if he’s still struggling than perhaps Jesus wants to use a Godly man or counselor to lead him out. Staying stuck and saying no one can help is pride. A man who truly wants to change will be desperate enough to do whatever it takes. Sometimes our pride convinces is that we’re really okay, we can handle it…but if we’re not changing, if we’re not making active steps away from our sin, then we have to ask what stopping us? Pride is usually the culprit. Satan is a real enemy. He’s not for either of you- but understand that his battle will intensify once you are in the sacred bonds of marriage. Sex will get harder. His temptation to lust will be greater than he’s experienced. The enemy hates marriage. I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. It’s hard to break up. It’s hard to think about being alone and wonder if you’ll have someone else. Friend, I almost married the wrong guy twice and I look back and thank God he saved me from those marriages I felt in my heart weren’t right or weren’t best, yet was determined to go through with. There are worse things than being single and I’d rank feeling insecure in marriage and battling your husbands lust issues as one of them. It will break your heart in ways you didn’t know it could break. Please, friend, ask those who know you both what they see. Ask a solid, growing Christian you know what his or her perspective is. You can absolutely work through this, but make sure he’s at a real place of brokenness and repentance, that he has tight controls and accountability in place so that he can have help fighting temptation (I’m talking no browser on the phone, etc…big fences!!), and that he’s willing to do, for you and your future marriage, what tens of thousands of men have had to do to break free and submit to getting help in some way—counseling, a two week intensive, a steps or celebrate freedom group, etc… if he won’t do it now, he won’t do it after marriage. Prayers and grace for you. May God clearly show you his path and truth and open your eyes so you know exactly what to do, no confusion. ❤️
My story started when we had been dating & we decided to live together. Soon afterwards, I discovered he had been calling those late night numbers for phone sex. When I confronted him, incredibly he tried denying & when I angrily showed him the bill, he finally admitted it. Fast forward to our marriage & soon again, found SEVERAL photos of porn. By then we had two little boys. I told his mom & she merely shrugged & said it’s not surprising since he’s had this problem early in his teen years!! Unfortunately, I financially could not leave & so I stayed. In 2013, I discovered he had been sexting what he thought was my little sister!! She says she had changed her number & he was sending & communicating with a stranger!! I had it by that point. I called the police & asked them to make him leave. His mom again somehow blamed me for breaking our marriage. He left but came back two days later to my kids sad faces. I still could not afford to leave without completely destroying my boys young lives as they knew it. So I stayed…again & again, just when I am finally beginning to trust him, I find sexually explicit sites on his phone. He’s even viewed porn anime! He never admits it. Always denies any of it. We both went to counseling & of course, he came out smelling like a rose! Then he started texting my young 16 year old niece. I asked him to stop & then my sister sent him a text letting him know that my niece no longer has her phone. When I confirmed this, he went out on a binge drinking spree & missed work the next day! For me that confirmed that he was guilty about something-maybe thoughts about my niece?! Last night, I again, found more images of women in thongs! He merely said that the “app” came with the phone! I’m so disgusted by this! How many times do I have to forgive & move on!!? My heart is so broken! He said that it’s me & my warped mind! He even tried to minimize by saying my 26 yr old nephew has texted him sexy photos and I said “I didn’t marry my nephew!” We now have 3 boys. Now he says that it’s all my fault if I leave. I think I’ve made the decision to stay until my youngest is 18 but I’m so hurt by all these long years of this!
My friend, I have no idea the pain this is causing you. I will pray for you and for your family. I pray that God will protect you and will show you what you need to do. Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for my friend right now. You know all the details, all the pain, all the hurt she’s felt after all these years. I pray Father that you will convict him of his sin and his behavior. I pray that you will bring him to you in repentance and that you will do a miraculous work in his heart and in their marriage. Lord, you are the only one with the right words and the right comfort in this situation – I pray that you fill my sister with this today. That she will know you are always with her and that she can trust you, even when she can’t trust her husband. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Luckily I was able to find out about my husbands habits before we got married.. however it sucks when we’re married because he still struggles mainly with imagining other women during sex or masturbation from celebrities to people he actually knows that he’s never had sex with. It all started from porn when he was was a virgin, then before he met me he engaged in activities with other women and imagined other people during sex with them so it just basically followed into our relationship. We’re both very spiritual people and he has apologized and cried numerous times but it’s like he holds back from telling me because he doesn’t want to disappoint me but I can tell when he has fantasized because he looks sad in the face afterwords. I thought that maybe if we could stop having sex that would help but i’m honestly not sure… idk how having sex could stop enabling the bad habit but i also don’t want to deprive myself or him because i’m very sexual myself but I never lust after anyone else. It just sucks.. the way it feels.. you know..
Hey there! Can I encourage you to talk to a professional. I think there’s a lot of hope and help for you both. You are not alone. Lots of marriages have gone through what you’ve gone through and found hope and healing –and a way out. It’s too hard to try to manage it on your own though. We all need help and support -especially in this area. Can I encourage you to find some help? Do you have a home church? A Celebrate Recovery group in your area may also be a huge help and a good place to start if you can’t start counseling. I think counseling is something every married person should do – it’s changed our lives -but, no matter what it is, I hope you’ll take the next step and find some support. Hugs and prayers!
I have been with my husband for 4.5 years. At first things were great and he was doing and attentive. He is a hard worker and I poured as much love and appreciation on him that I could muster. We were very open about our desires and experiences sexually. I knew he watched porn but it never had felt wrong. I told him I didn’t have an issue with it as long as it didn’t consume him or take away from our sex life. And then it happened. He wanted to try and help get in the mood so he started watching porn. He started getting turned on and was ready but wouldn’t even look at me not once, he just kept staring at his phone screen. This hurt so badly that I stopped it immediately told him I could not ever do that again. That I had a hard line to draw there because I felt like nothing, and worse. I spiralled into depression worse and worse. I wouldn’t change in front of him and started loathing my own body for betraying my usual energetic self because I had been paralyzed by fear. After that horrible experience I wanted to learn why that happened and the more I learned about porn the less I wanted it in my marriage and eventually I learned such sinister things about it that I would happily march to make it illegal in the U.S. It will ultimately be the demise of our defense of our country and the downfall of our ability to procreate if its not stopped. I encourage you to do the research and check the credibility of the sources on this yourself. I want you to think back on this moment right here and be reminded that God is with you and us all when you learn the truth for yourself. Just as he is with me and why he led me to this page. I needed this message in ways I cannot find the words right now to express the impact it has had on me. I needed this message. To say it saved me from heading in a hazardous direction would not be a understatement. Thank you for having the passion and courage to share this message. Thank you for it being available to so many so freely. I know I just said it, and I don’t think I could say it or I can stress this enough but thank you from the core of my soul for putting this message out where others can find it. If it gave me hope, I know that even if they don’t comment that it has given hope to others too. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight because sometimes your last bit of energy to stay in the fight can be your saving grace. Renewed my stamina, strength, faith, hope, love but most of all my self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem, come to think of it, myself as a whole. For this I cannot thank you enough and as soon as I can afford it I’m buying your books as a gift for myself because I deserve to know I’m good enough and that I’m not compared.
Hi Heather,
This article was a breath of fresh air. A painful breath. But a reminder that it is God’s will over mine.
Very early into my marriage I got a call from a county detective about my new husband being caught in the act of indecent exposure in public. I was with my husband and he was listening as the detective told me of this & that they had evidence. I was speechless. I was confused so so so confused. Assuming it was a mistake without a doubt. They had to have had the wrong person. Right??
My husband initially tried to cover it up as he peed in a bottle in his vehicle. But I looked him in his eyes and asked if that was truly all it was. He told me “no”. When we had a time to sit and talk he confessed of his doings. In the following days he opened up about more of his struggle.
It hit me so hard. Wondering how on earth this was happening? Was it God punishing me? We had fairly recently started attending church. For most of my life I have attended church. I tend to have times of strong faith and growth and times of setback and feelings of doubt about whether God’s word is the truest way. My husband on the other hand was raised with minimal instruction in church & from his parents. He started watching porn at a very young age. And with depression and feelings of worthlessness through his school years he turned to things that in return made him feel more worthless. He just didn’t really care about anything. I met him in the midst of depression, drug use, porn, sexual urges that he obviously perused. I found out early on in dating about porn and he gave me all his passwords & told me I could check through his phone any time I felt the need & that he would quit watching it. He didn’t get angry with me for confronting him or when I asked him to quit. In fact he’s always seemed to be understanding of my feelings & his wrongness through these struggles. But he assured me that beyond porn there was nothing else he was hiding. Which of course came to bite him just after our marriage.
Anyway, I feel like as his wife I must be on his team. I must support him. I must love him. I believe he is wanting the change, as far as I can see. He is open to counseling, talking to a trusted pastor, reading the Bible, applying lessons learned from the Bible, I truly believe he desires the change. But many moments I struggle with wondering if he’s just doing it to make me happy. I can’t control or know his thoughts outside of what he shares with me. And that scares me. Is he lusting and saying he’s not? He’s admitted that temptation is there to do what got him into trouble with the law. He doesn’t want to put himself in situations that he might give into those temptations. But I still struggle to believe it some times. In no way do I don’t want to hinder his change & make him doubt that he is capable of overcoming these marriage damaging, everlasting life threatening sins.
We both need all the prayers.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. I know it has to feel heavy and burdensome. Can I encourage you that it’s the enemy telling you “he just wants to change for you.” No man that’s ever had any sort of encounter with Jesus (and especially those who haven’t) can be completely at peace when they’re caught up in sin. The Holy Spirit convicts. I think it’s important for us as wives to acknowledge that most of these sinful behaviors aren’t how the man wants or hopes to be. He’s caught. He needs your encouragement that he can overcome this. I’d recommend you both go to counseling -christian counseling. Go with him a few times. Then, see if he’s willing to go on his own. Tell him you believe in him and you are optimistic about your marriage and your future. And, give him grace. There are a lot of thoughts we have in our heads we wouldn’t want anyone to know, right? I wouldn’t waste time trying to figure out what his are. Instead, focus on what you know, what you can see and what you can address. You aren’t his Holy Spirit. But, you can show him that you love him and believe that Jesus can help redeem all that he’s wrestled/wrestling. Jesus died to overcome sin. Your husband’s sin is not too much for him. But, friend, don’t wait on the counseling. This isn’t about you or your marriage – his issues are much deeper and he needs to get some good help. Prayers!
Please help me. I felt like I took huge steps to forgive my husbands porn use after I found the porn… then he admitted to lusting after other women in town when he was with me before we married and I just broke all over again.. even though I’ve had lustful thoughts myself and fought through them, thinking they are wrong, he said he “dwelled too long about how attractive they were” and I feel like I’m losing progress rapidly. In fact, I self harmed when he told me because I felt so stupid… and frequently feel suicidal
Please help.
Misha – I’m so sorry that you are hurting and struggling. Can I first recommend that you talk to someone at your church or find a Christian counselor. Christian counseling helped me more than anything. I’m happy to help you find someone if you want to message me at Heather (at) Compared to who (dot) me. Please talk to someone. Until you do, I hope you’ll realize that there is nothing stupid about loving or trusting someone. Likewise, there’s nothing you could do to stop him from having lustful thoughts. In some ways, God created the man to be attracted to a woman so the human race could continue. Yes, we are instructed not to lust – because it’s not helpful to marriages and is sin. But, as I’m sure you know from experience, even if we’re following Jesus, we still sin sometimes. The good news is, he hasn’t acted on any of them. He hasn’t done anything that God can’t or won’t forgive him for. He hasn’t take so many steps away from purity that it will be difficult to recover (although marriages recover from external affairs all the time through the help and healing of Jesus.) Friend, I feel and hear how devastated and desperate you are. But, you must try and separate yourself from his sin. His actions are not your identity. His sin is about him. My best advice is to trust the Holy Spirit with both your husband and your marriage. He is trustworthy, completely, to heal you both. There is no reason to feel stupid because your husband found another woman attractive. He chose you. He married you. He loves you!! You mentioned your own lustful thoughts -and I think -in this case- remembering that you struggle too can help you. You can’t expect your husband to be less human than you are. If you do, you’re making him an idol – and he can’t be your Jesus. He’s just a man. He can’t be perfect. There’s a difference between someone who is truly trying to do what’s right and sins and stumbles and someone who is caught up in their sin. It feels like your husband is trying really hard. I’d say that’s a sign that he loves you, a lot. Give him grace to be imperfect. He needs that for your marriage to thrive. I wrote another post about how to get over your man’s past Three Ways to Deal if Your Man’s Past Affects Your Body Image here that may help you! Hugs and please seek counsel from someone close by. I’m concerned about you.
I absolutely loved this article. I admire your wisdom. I’m 24 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. I’ve always felt a disconnect with him emotionally and I get it-he’s quiet. Things started appearing in the beginning of our relationship. I noticed him getting quiet and shutting off when my friends would come around. I’m like okay…that’s strange. But then I started noticing him looking at other females…everywhere! I felt so horrible about myself. This kept coming up. I was too scared to say anything because it was my own security. He would of course brush it off when I would state the problem in an obviousness way. I started feeling jealous and insecure. This not only was my BEST friends but my SISTER and his BROTHERS girlfriend, HIS COUSIN. I got so down on myself like everything you say you were feeling above. I talked to God over and over and over again asking what he was showing me and what he was doing to me and why!!!
I kept seeing lust everywhere in the bible and hearing it in my head. I didn’t know what it was so I looked it up. This must’ve been it. Thankfully God and prepared his heart and my heart and he owned up to everything. Every situation I had felt. I shouldn’t have asked for details (probably don’t and guard your heart). But he was honest. It was alot more serious than I had thought. So here I am. I know God has a plan. I truly believe my boyfriend will be healed and I understand what he’s going though. I know God is working in me and showing me I have sin in my life as well.
For the people in marriages: I am praying for hope, security and wisdom to understand. Just know YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE UNIQUE and YOU ARE PERFECT IN GOD’S EYES.
I’m in a relationship with boyfriend and I’m young and I know relationships are going to be hard and you have to work for them. But should they be this hard this early? You say a lot of guys are like this…to this extent? I feel like God can heal him, It seems like it’ll take some time. I feel more hurt since it was family in both directions….(gross, but trying to forgive). I’m praying on it and seeing what God is doing to my heart and what the next step is. Pray for me as well, in this situation. I guess ladies who have been though this…do you have any advice for me?
I will certainly pray for you! My best advice is to just be graciously wise. The gracious part: remember that his sin is not greater than anyone else’s (or your own) — likely just different. It’s hard for women because lust isn’t often one of our biggest sin struggles – we tend to think it’s the worst one there is, the unforgiveable sin in some cases–just because of how it hurts us personally. But, it’s not. Our own pride, self-righteousness, and other sins are just the same. So, give him grace. Lots of grace. Now, that said. If he stops being honest and doesn’t want to get help or change– if he wants to stay in his sinful state, then you need to run. If he lies to you about his recovery, run –or at least stay away until he’s ready. You get to choose -you aren’t married yet-so you get to choose whether or not this is a man who is worthy of your heart. Don’t give your heart to a man who doesn’t know what to do with it. Don’t give yourself in marriage to a man who wants to stay married to the world–and live in lust. This will make your marriage really difficult. Yes, most men struggle. But, if your guy’s a Christian and committed to overcoming the sin, I know he can. You’ll have to help him, and offer him grace in that help — but HE has to want out. God can heal him, absolutely. But, if he doesn’t want out, if he doesn’t want healed, if he likes his sin–then cut it off. Soon. He’s not marriage material. Saying “I do” means forsaking all others – even in the private space of our minds. Don’t take your relationship to the next level until he’s committed to try for that type of purity. He needs accountability partners. He needs to be proactive about getting help. I pray that helps. Hugs and prayers!
But *HOW* is it not about us? I keep reading this and reading this. Everyone says it’s not about you. And then they never say why. I’m supposed to believe that him wanting to pleasure himself to naked women and him wanting engage in pleasure with his naked wife are not related? I really do not understand it, because it just seems that all they care about is getting off. That there just are never enough naked women be it wife or not. I feel like it just lowers us from what should have been a sacred intimacy to just being one of their many women.
I think you answered your own question, Liz. It’s not about you because there will never be “enough. . .women” to satisfy. It’s not about us because he desire isn’t for healthy intimacy, for wholeness, or for oneness with his wife — his desire is to numb pain, soothe an ache, or fill a hole left by someone else–likely long before you met him. Porn is a way men express anger and frustration. Men turn to it because it’s one thing they feel they can control. Oftentimes this “out of control” feeling happened long before marriage but you feel the repercussions of it now. I’m sorry you have to struggle like this. But, I do hope that the truth that this is about him–though it UNDOUBTEDLY affects you — will encourage you heart. When he’s ready to get help – often when he’s convicted by holy spirit and tired of his hurt — then I pray you’ll have the strength and the courage to help him find restoration so your marriage can be restored again too. I don’t say this lightly – it’s a long, hard road. But, I do know there’s reason to have and keep great hope.
My problem is my husband denies any of his actions even though I have watched him lust. A woman can’t walk by without him having to look at some part of her body. I have found semin in his underwear and held it to his face and He still denied and said it must have been when He was asleep.
He quickly backs out of pages on his phone and tablet.
When I have tried to talk about it with him we get into a huge fight..never gets resolved. Then he turns it all around on my insecurities because my last 2 marriages both husbands cheated on me. First one had a bad sex addiction and left me for another woman after 17 years of marriage. Then he comitted suicide.
Yes I do have insecurities but his lust issues started appearing with lies and then my distrust in him started shortly after we married almost 3 years ago.
We never get it talked out so I get hopeless and on edge.
I really don’t know what to do. I have prayed so much…we have had counseling with our Pastor and that turns into a Pouting anger session where I’m then described as crazy and have a terrible jealousy problem and he has been nothing but wonderful to me.
Yes I do get extremely angry at him and jealous. The lies and unfaithfulness tears me up. How do I try to heal if he won’t admit?
Terrible thing is…we are both ministers!
Oh Cindy, I’m so sorry to hear about how hard this is for you.I can only imagine how difficult it is. I understand why it’d be hard to trust and why you’d feel the need to be extra vigilant to keep your marriage porn-free as well. I have no wonderful words of wisdom aside from the truth that it is only prayer that can change hearts. I have learned that no amount of nagging, bugging, or trying to be someone else’s holy spirit will ever actually cause behavior change (it may just move that behavior to be even more hidden). I’ll pray for you too. Maybe God will use someone else to help him recognize his sin and the problem it’s causing in your marriage. My prayer is that you can love him as he is, even in the middle of his sin and that, like Jesus, your kindness will lead him to repentance. Prayers coming your way. I also wonder if you shouldn’t find a separate counselor for yourself, without him. Someone who can help you sort through what you’re feeling without him in the room. It sounds like he needs separate help for what he’s dealing with and perhaps you do too. Not that there isn’t room to go through counseling together at some point, but maybe that’s not where you’re at right now.Just a thought.
As a guy, I can say young women should all be told that any man they date most likely looks at porn, will probably continue to do so regardless of the level of intimacy in a relationship, and it’s best to accept it. Telling a guy it’s a problem will only make him hide it when he struggles with it, cause him to feel anxious, angry, or depressed about it.
For those girls who are still dedicated to finding the guy that doesn’t lust, they really only have two choices. One, they can be naive, and believe that after discussing it with their partner, and seeking assistance, that he’ll never do it again. Two, somehow manage to be the exception, and actually find a guy that never looks at porn.
As the saying goes, “95 percent of men look at porn, the other 5 percent lie about it.” If you believe he doesn’t look, then it probably just means he’s very good at hiding the way he feeds his lusts.
Thanks for your comments. I do believe a wife can be a help to a man who wants to stop. But it takes desire on his part, for sure. Can I assume though that you agree with the premise that a guy’s porn issue isn’t about the way his wife or girlfriend looks?
Ladies,
Our marriage was nearly destroyed and on it’s last breath when I discovered a Bible study and program that changed everything. It’s the Conquer Series for men found here https://puredesire.org/search?q=conquer
and wives go through a Bible study called Beyond Betrayal. https://puredesire.org/collections/betrayal-beyond.
There’s a good chance you can find a group at your church or one in your area! Go to http://www.puredesire.org and click on Join Group for a search option!
Highly recommend! Mighty blessings! HE is faithful!!!
Thank you for sharing, reading the post has really given me strength. I’m having a very hard time accepting my husband sin problem especially because this is my second marriage. My first marriage ended because of the lust/pron addiction and my lack of understanding that his problem wasn’t because I lacked in areas of a wife. Now second marriage I thought that if God allows me to marry a Christian man not only a Christian man but a man who loves the Lord that I would not have to endure the pain of having a husband that gives into the tempter.
I know I have to fight but going through it a second time makes me feel that maybe I should have known better or I didn’t have a chance to heal from the first hurt!!! I really wish that I didn’t have to go through this is really hurts and I’m a fighter/ soldier in God ‘s army but right now I’m wounded!!
Nicole – Know I am praying for you and cling to the truth. It’s not about you. So many men struggle, but that doesn’t mean that freedom and change isn’t possible. Ask your husband if he’s willing to get help? Do it in a, “This is for us” way, without anger if possible. Let him know that your heart is for him, not against him. Also, I’d encourage you to get help too. It is wounding to deal with this. But, a great counselor of even a discreet and trusted friend can help you process so that you can be on your husband’s team to help him fight. Praying for your situation and your marriage. I pray that God will be glorified in it and that your testimony of how he worked and brought healing will help others. Hugs.
What a blessing that your husband had already taken steps to accountability. I have known about my husband’s problems since a few days after our marriage. It has been 4 years and he still hasn’t made any real effort to have accountability.
He makes excuses, says he doesn’t or can’t remember the ladt time he looked at porn. It is lies. He does it daily.
I am struggling to keep being the spouse I am called to be. I am struggling with self image. I don’t know how to help him? He claims to be saved and even holds positions within our church.
I have suggested many options. It even came out in some unrelated couseling and the counselor took his word for it when he said he was taking steps not to lust after other women and to stop viewing porn.
A christian counselor… simply applauded him for his effort and moved right along.
I do look on his devices and I know he isn’t taking steps not to!
I need to learn how to deal with this if it isn’t going to stop…
I am so so sorry to hear about your struggle. My best advice is to keep seeking counsel for yourself as a reminder of the truth that this issue is not about you. It affects you, it hurts so bad, I know that. But, know you aren’t the cause of the struggle. It’s something deeper. Keep praying and seeking God for your man. We are all redeemable . . .and I pray that God softens his heart and shows him the truth about how much this is damaging you both and your marriage. Don’t give up. Truth is, a lot of times this issue is masked in a lot of shame for men — it’s usually more about anger and not knowing what to do with anger than it is about lust. I do know that a solid biblical counselor should be committed to working with him more through the issue, but I also know counselors can only work with people who are willing to be honest with them. So, if he’s not ready to be honest about his struggle, there may not be much the counselor can do. The good news is: the greatest counselor, the Holy Spirit, can work in ways that we women–and even trained counselors–can’t. He’s your best hope. I pray that you see him work and transform your marriage. Hugs. Stay the course. Don’t give up.
I am still trying to let go the past hurt from my husbands porn addiction. He was set free from this by Christ, I am fully aware of this now, but the past still beats me up.
Anytime I see stuff like this that I feel he would be lured into like he was in the past I just feel so worthless.
I do not watch movies with any bad stuff or out myself in those situations, but you cant avoid it sometimes in this world.
Im trying so hard to forgive, and sometimes I think I have forgiven, and then something will trigger this emotion and its like the same feelings come flooding back.
Im so broken in this area, I dont believe him when he says im beauitful, even tho I want to, I just do not feel it.
I know this is abnormal but there are times when these feelings take over so bad that i just feel like dieng. 🙁 I want to see a therapist for this but I am really embarrassed to tell people these issues, because surely no one struggles with their mans porn addiction to the point it makes them feel suicidal….
Friend, please, please, please know there is great hope for you and your marriage in this. There is no reason to end it out of despair. I know that God can help you. There’s also no reason to be embarrassed for the depths of your pain in this. Know that I saw a biblical counselor for years and this post was written more than a decade after we dealt with this in our marriage. It’s only the enemy convincing you that death would be better. You are valuable. You are loved greatly by Jesus and, it sounds like, by your husband too. Yes, you are struggling to believe that. I understand. I’ve felt it too, but do not give up. I wonder if this post I wrote to a woman struggling with comparing herself to her husband’s past girlfriends would also give you some hope. I’ll attach it here. But, know I’m willing to continue this conversation with you via private message too. Please contact me if that would be of help to you. Go to the speaking page on my site and you’ll find my contact form and I can reply to you via email through that. I want to encourage you, dear one. You are loved. I know you feel lost right now, but there is great hope for you to truly feel that love from your husband too and to put the porn problems in the past. Jesus makes all things new and he can restore your intimacy. Read this post and see if it resonates with you at all – and please reach out if you want. I’d love to offer you whatever additional encouragement I can. (I can’t put my email address here because I’ll get spammed like wild -but use that contact form and it will get to me!) Hugs. Please, please, please do not give up. You are too valuable. God sees you as his precious daughter, and I see you as a sister in Him. I want to see you free and restored. Who knows, maybe Jesus will use you some day to minister to others who have this same struggle. https://comparedtowho.me/three-ways-deal-mans-past-affects-body-image/
I came back to this blog to read this same post because I’m struggling again with these feeling. I’m so depressed. I did not realize that you guys had replied months ago! If the offer is still up I would like to get in contact with you.
Thanks so much
Indifference! Find joy in the activities you love. Strengthen your support group the less you talk about him the better. Don’t argue be assertive. Be clear on your expectations and let him face his issue whatever way he wants.
Life is way too short to preoccupy yourself with something that is completely out of your control. If you want change the you have to change; and consequently he will start to adapt to the new you. In other words he will have no choice but to put effort in the relationship to win you over or he will flee.
Be your genuine self. Find hobbies that make you smile; learn a new language, play an instrument, sing, whatever. Don’t wait for him to change to be happy. Happiness is your responsibility and not his.
I’ve been practicing this things and I realist how much I missed in life. It was like I was stuck for over a decade, woke up to a weak woman, I didn’t even recognized myself. Then it clicked – I do well when I stay focused in what actually matters. When I’m productive and when I don’t over extended myself to help when I’m in pain. When I’m hurt – I take care of myself. If he is hurt bc he feels ignored; I simply reply with, “I just don’t feel well”. That’s it.
He now gives me more space. I can do more of what I love and now I don’t fear divorce. He can threaten to leave and it doesn’t face me. Because the truth is ladies, they know. And for some men this is more of a character issue than lust. People don’t generally change character, only after a life altering experience such as; death of a loved one, illness, near death experience or another traumatic event.
Be honest with yourselves and remember God did not take you out of Egypt to keep you in bondage. Jesus died to set you free.
Sarah,
Sweet Sister, can I tell you how much your message resonated with me. I could have said, in fact, I probably did say, these exact words just a few years ago. My husband’s porn addiction was 33 years deep by the time it came to the light. We had been married for 18 of those. Everything felt like a lie. I can tell you what helped me and I have shared it with so many women dealing with this. I had to say “I forgive him” and “I forgave him” and “I forgive you” dozens and dozens of times. Maybe even hundreds. Sometimes I would say it 10 times in my head and then because the enemy was fighting me so hard on it I would say it out loud and even screamed it until I could get my heart to agree. Nothing *felt* right in those moments but I had to speak truth to myself. I had to preach truth to myself. In the darkness of that time I could never have seen what good things were ahead. I remember having multiple conversations with Heather going around the same tree. But guess what?! We made it out of the pit. I could never have known the goodness ahead for my marriage. But I can tell you with 100% confidence that you can make it out of the darkness. I promise you that! God promises you that He will never leave you or forsake you. Heather or I would be happy to talk to you. Reach out via the form like Heather suggested. I will also tell you that healing from the pain of my husband’s porn addiction was the catalyst propelling me to healing from so many of my body image issues. And guess what – it had nothing to do with anything changing physically. I know your pain and I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m praying for you, Sarah.
My close friend says that I’m the strongest person she knows. My daughter says I’m her hero, but what no one realizes is how dead and hurt I feel inside, with the exception of sprinkled days of freedom.
Sarah, my husbands porn and lust addiction was exposed 3 years ago, and I still have days that describe exactly what you said above. It’s painful, but I have to believe this isn’t my life forever. Please know that you are not alone in this battle for healing and transformation, and do your very best to correct the lies in your mind that do not align with Gods word.
Sending you love xo
I appreciate you posting this! There are so MANY women out there who need to know that this is affecting at least 50% of Christian marriages. The best advice that I can offer is for the wife to do their best to find a Christian support group of women who have been affected by their husband’s sexual integrity issues. I am fortunate to have found a group (For Women Only). Ted and Dianne Roberts have written workbooks for women to get healing in this area and also, to heal from their own past trauma. They also have a For Men Only accountability group for the men. It’s been 3 years, this May, since I caught my husband looking at porn. This was not the first time, he had lied to me the other times and I bought the lie. We had been married for 10 years at that point. This last time I felt God telling me to confront him firmly and to let him know that I knew what he was up to. He finally confessed that he had a porn problem and that it had been going on for 40 years for him. Having had past sexual integrity issues of my own, I think I was able to relate to what he was going through and my heart hurt for him. It took him going to individual counseling, joining the men’s accountability group, computer accountability software, TV blocking software, and then couple’s counseling before I was able to be on his side against satan’s attacks. After 3 years he is still attending his accountability group and our marriage is in a much more stable and intimate place. Even if the husband doesn’t own up to his lust/porn/affairs, it is important for the wife to seek support on her own and for her own well-being. Unfortunately, not all marriages are saved, and you can only do your part to make it work. If the husband is not willing to do the work, then you may have to decide at some point that he is not serious about the marriage and it may require you to separate or divorce him. No matter what, God is there for you and He is always by your side – He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Thanks for that Karen! Really appreciate you sharing this.
Hi, I found out about my husband’s struggle this past year. It has been very difficult for me. Major self esteem issues now. He had worked some on fighting this, but is trying on his own, not really getting help from a partner or really taking it to God. Everything I read mentions software on home computers for accountability. Is there such a thing for cellphones? I imagine that’s more difficult, but I really need some kind of accountability for peace of mind. He apparently was using the incognito tab in chrome, so no record was left in the history. He was open with me early on after I found out, but now it’s a struggle to get him to talk. It worries me.
Hi! Oh how my heart hurts for you. I know the pain of this. Just keep praying and encouraging him to seek accountability. We haven’t discovered a great way to keep cell phone accountable – my husband doesn’t have internet on his (He would have to let you control the parental controls on phone to do this). Just make sure he knows you are on his side and you want to help him, but encourage him that he can’t do it alone. Covenant Eyes has some great resources that may help you both. Prayers for you and your marriage.
I am devastated since discovering my husbands porn addiction and objectification of women. We are Christians and I believed my husband would come to me and tell me had this problem . He lied and lied and gaslighted me.
I feel so ugly and unwanted.
I met a man who told me I am beautiful and Desirable. I was tempted to have a sexual relationship with him. I love Jesus more then ANYONE and He very gently asked me if I would feel okay about myself if if I had a sexual relationship with this very handsome, caring man.
I told Jesus I desperately needed to feel wanted sexually but I love Him more than anyone.
I was sad but I Knew I had to follow my “ first love”.
It was very painful to give up
A sexual relationship with this man who did not care I was ten years older than him.
My husband has ED and intimacy disorder. I long to leave and start a new life with another man.
I am so very sad and unhappy that I can NEVER measure up
To the women he was viewing on porn sites. I try to keep my weight, I am told by others I am a beautiful woman. My husbands behaviour has changed me forever.
I will never trust him again; I will trust myself and Jesus.
My husband has destroyed all trust and he has intimacy disorder which means I live a life of being alone although married.
I long to divorce him but our financial situation at present will not allow for us to live separately.
My husband scored very high on the Narcissist Personality Traits and does not have compassion for me and my suffering.
I truly believe there is a time when divorce is the only way out. I cannot change him.
I need to move on with my own life. I have a team of people praying for my husband but he still objectifies women. He has stopped viewing pornography since he understands it is a direct link to human trafficking.He stares at other women which breaks my heart. He thinks in black and white terms, no grey areas. A woman is either beautiful or not. I am much older than the women he objectifies. I feel I am never enough so I must divorce him.
I’m so sorry for all the hurt and pain you’re facing Barbara. I cannot claim to know the depths of the pain he’s caused you or the depths of his struggle. I do know that God loves you and that no man can every love us in the same way our God does. I also know that no man can affirm us in a way that is fully satisfying either. I work with lots of women who are affirmed by their men, and still, it is never enough. They still don’t feel beautiful. So, I would encourage you to carefully consider your last line. Yes, a husband SHOULD affirm his wife. He should be faithful. He should flee from lust and be committed physically, emotionally, and mentally to you only. I’m so sorry for the ways you’ve been betrayed. But, I do encourage you to find that approval, the answer to “I am never enough” through Christ alone. No man on earth can answer that question for us. Only God can. Hugs, grace, and prayers.
Thank you for sharing your story. I felt like I was reading a mirror of my own story 3 years ago. Just a few short months after our wedding, the truth came out.
It was the worst pain and hurt I’ve ever endured and felt like our happy little world was spinning out of control and I could barely breathe. God’s love and grace have brought us a long way. We’re still fighting for purity and some battles are worse than others but we’re walking out this testimony in the making.
I definitely needed to read your prayer this morning. Thank you for sharing and being transparent Heather.
Anna, thanks so much for sharing that. It does hurt so much but I know God is faithful to redeem our marriages too! Continued prayers for your family — may God strengthen you both and use you mightily to help others who are facing the same battle!
Your prayer is exactly what I was blessed with when my husband told me, after 6 years of marriage, that he has suffered with this addiction since he was a child. I know God gave me legs to stand on when I couldn’t figure out how. Thank you for that beautiful prayer. There are so many women in this situation whether they know it yet or not. We need to help and lift each other and do everything we can for our husbands so we can win the fight for our marriages and families.
It’s so hard, but once it is brought to the light I truly believe couples can come through it and thrive. Thanks for sharing, Heather. Yes, we do need to encourage each other and not let the Enemy win this battle!! Don’t give up. We are all sinners saved by grace and amazing freedom can come once the cover is off. Praying for your continued journey!
I do not believe couples can always survive this type of infidelity. Sometimes there are too many years of the husband viewing porn, slowly disliking his wife’s looks and the pain of betrayal is too traumatizing to recover while in the relationship.
Often these men are narcissists or have strong narcissistic tendencies.
If these men are unwilling to change, there is no hope. We can only change ourselves. Women need to leave these abusive men to survive.
God WILL NOT make a man change so the woman has to protect herself from the emotional abuse.
Yea, porn use is abuse, constantly lying is abuse, manipulation and gaslighting are abuse.
Jesus does call women to be abused. He came to set the captives free.
We know God’s heart is for marriage and purity within that marriage, repentance and restoration. We know we have a very real enemy who wants to destroy souls and the marriages they are in. So, yes, sadly not all marriages can, will, or should be saved. But, whenever there is repentance, there is great hope for — with accountability and professional help if needed– restoration and reconciliation. Sadly, statistics show that many men–even Christian men–are caught in porn’s snare. So, whenever possible – I do believe that seeking counseling, help, and restoration is the first course of action.
Thank you for calling this out for what it is.. abuse. I was in a very violent and abusive marriage for 20 years. The longer I stayed the harder it was to break free. Eventually he left me. At that point, I regained my life and being single was truly a blessing. I could finally live life free from control, abuse, violence and drama.
I finally had peace! A life of peace is the right life. When we are not at peace we are not in the right place. Nothing should rob you of your joy. We as women are conditioned to believe we should suffer and hang in there. We do not love ourselves when we let others hurt us.
Eventually I entered a new relationship only to again feel no peace. There was no physical abuse but the porn/ lust issues I found to be more painful for me then physical abuse. I couldn’t trust my new fiancé. I had to constantly check up on everything. He flirted with women that I was close to.. even at church! He tried to sleep with my roommate. He adamantly denies this. He said it was the other way around and nothing came of it. He has porn taking up 99% of the phone. Ladies, look on the emails and see the spam section and everything is hidden there. Most men keep separate emails to. It’s really the fact that women can legally advertise themselves for sex only and how is this not prostitution? It’s online, but no different than women on a street corner. It’s everywhere. I was shocked to see how many apps and websites are all prostitution. It has become acceptable and mainstream behavior. This was once a shame in our society. If you divorce because of this, you may not get much compensation for your anguish. I pray God will change things and strengthen marriages. Right now it seems that lust and pornography are becoming a painful reality for too many trying to have a relationship. I pray for each and every person affected by this. May God heal your pain. I pray for the women putting themselves out there that couldn’t feel good about themselves. Lord please heal their pain as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It help me to realize I’m not alone on this issue
My painful story began in 2002 after discovering something on our new computer. My husband is such a good liar he convinced me for 10 years it was just a one time silly little thing. He was often abusive & volatile & blamed me I couldn’t forgive a one time silly little thing. I never believed him properly. Almost four years ago he admitted it was twice. The story had changed. I left with our child & went to my parents. For three days he said twice then finally confessed the computer had been five years but stopped three years before that. I nearly didn’t go back but I did. He confessed the issue had carried on with other images. For the past four years he’s been adamantly saying women aren’t even a temptation. Now he’s confessed to sometimes lusting after women in public. Because of all the lying I don’t know the full extent. Maybe I’m a bad Christian, but I’m all graced out. Truly. I am now chronically ill from the stress. I’ve told him we coexist as I am unable to leave. 17 years of this & I’m done. I have nothing left in me for this anymore. I need my sanity back. I think the Church has excused lust as something men can’t help. Whereas why is stealing still forbidden? All credit to those who can handle this. I simply cannot anymore.
I’m so, so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for sharing it, I know you aren’t alone. Are you all in a good church? No one can handle this alone. I pray that you guys are in or can find a community of believers where he can come clean and be restored. You can’t find forgiveness for something you haven’t confessed or repented of, so if that’s not been part of the equation, I can imagine it’s still a struggle. I’m so sorry to hear about the impact on you. A great Christian counselor or community of understanding, Christ-following women who are willing to be honest about their struggles sounds like it would be a big help to you too. Prayers to you my sister. No sin should be simply excused. I just pray that you can receive more of God’s love and grace, too. It’s hard to keep pouring out without being refilled. For me that has happened through counseling and a community of “real” and often “struggling” women at our church. I pray that you can find that too. It really does make a difference. Prayers for complete restoration for both of you.
Such a great post. I agree with every single thing you said. I’m still working on getting it in MY head that it is not a comparison game. The Lord did a miracle in our marriage when we both confessed sin against each other. The reality of how powerful sex is should be something that prompts us to have compassion for our husband’s in this area. By God’s amazing grace, He has given me that compassion. We talk about it a lot. And we love Covenant Eyes!
Thanks for sharing that, Christine. So, so many women are wrestling this and I think it’s a lie of the enemy that they need to compete! Thanks again for sharing!
Great post Heather. Our marriage’s experience with lust addiction has been very similar to yours. Accountability software is very helpful and worth it. We saw a huge difference when I got on his team; I too was very hard on my husband and angry with him. My self-esteem got a lot worse and over the years I tried to change myself to no avail. Open communication is very necessary, especially in the beginning. And you are right, sin must be brought to the light to be freed from it. When I got on his team and saw his addiction as a sin and not as a lack of satisfaction with me, I had a lot more compassion and actually felt sorry for him. I was able to embrace being his accountability partner as opposed to remaining in the role of his interrogation officer ready to hand him a death sentence. I also started to feel a lot less self-conscious and inferior. I began to understand the sin more clearly. God also showed me I had sins in my life that affect him in very negative ways. Sin is sin and we all need His saving grace and hopefully we can extend some to each other as Jesus would. Our marriage is striving today…with an accountability software still on our computer. I also know that as he goes longer without seeing pictures of other women, his mental rolodex is slowly filled with only memories of me. My husband happily states, that the lust battle in his mind is fading. Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2) It takes time but God is good and faithful to transform a husband’s mind when he chooses to fight the lust battle.
Carole, thank you so much for sharing this. Compassion…that’s exactly it. It was the same for me. You stated that beautifully — the role of interrogation officer feels awful. The freedom comes when we can recognize our own sin, and that it also impacts our husbands, and come together in our brokenness.
Thank you so much for giving your time to help women overcome this indescribable pain with the word and counsel of God. Your story has encouraged me.
It seems today that because porn is so rampant and easily accessible through a touch of a button, it has been minimized as “just something men struggle with”. It’s easier to keep secret because now in order to feast their eyes on any given body they feel is attractive and gratify their flesh with this intense desire and fantasy of being with each and every woman who lays themselves out for any man to gawk at is so easily done without anyone having to know. That is, until God exposes it! There has been this label of “Porn” slapped on the lust train and it becomes “just something they do” rather than seen and said for what it really is, Adultery!! Just easier to do these days and not seen as an actual affair bc it wasn’t physical contact. I believe if men and women talked about this and seen it in the light of what it truly is it wouldn’t be so easy to say “it’s just my struggle” “just something men do”. This is killing women from within. People saying “oh this is just his way of coping” is making women feel crazy, lost and like it’s hopeless.
Jesus said it all begins in the heart. Adultery begins in the heart. As our counselor stated to my husband when he said “its my struggle” he quickly reminded him, “It’s not just your struggle or just your battle because you are one in the flesh and one in spirit with your wife so it has became her battle as well.” I do not believe this is expressed to men enough before marriage. Which leads to danger. So this “struggle” becomes excused due to their need for security and because they are angry or stressed and they just need an outlet. Which is mere excuse to me and allows men to feel okay going backed bc they are excused in their struggle as long as they come forward and confess when they are ready. They want their wives to join them and help them while they lust after other women and truth is, God did not create a marriage to handle this. This is why it is so devastating. This is why it CRUSHES a woman’s soul to her inner depths. It does an incomprehensible wounding within her and every time the husband goes back to relieve himself with the body of another woman who does not belong to him, it rips the wound, that’s in process of healing, back open leaving it raw and exposed in all forms. Then pouring salt all over it. The wound may eventually be able to heal over time but it creates this deep, deep scar that never leaves. It stays there as a reminder of the trauma that was inflicted by the one whom her soul was to trust. The one who God intended to be her confidant, her best friend, her lover, her one and only, the one who held her safe, THE PROTECTOR OF HER HEART. (Men are no longer held accountable for this) Instead, this man has become the very torture chamber for her heart and soul.
Truth is, not all men do this. The majority (I say majority bc homosexuality is rampant) of men are attracted to women bc that’s the nature God created them with. Not all men make a habit of lusting after other women and make a habit of committing adultery. Job talks about making a covenant with his eyes to not look upon another woman with lust. And God confirms that Job was righteous and had done no wrong in his sight.
I believe there are men out their with a passion and love for Christ who have made that covenant with their eyes and who abhor this sin to the core!!
To allow men to think that this is “just their struggle” is a cheap sale out.
As much as men want women to compromise, sympathize and understand their struggle. I believe the man needs to understand the pain and complete anguish he has forced upon the one whom was supposed to be the most precious jewel to him. The husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves his bride (the church). After all this is what marriage is to represent; The covenant between Christ and the church.
To all the women to puts themselves out there without a single care of the marriages you are wrecking, I pray for your salvation.
To all the men who continue to turn to porn, I pray that God would bring you to true repentance and allow you to see this sin for what it really is. May you see it through God’s eye. I pray you would abhor it and it would be bitter to your mouth and in your stomach. I pray you would see your wife through God’s eyes and see her as the daughter of the most high King. She is precious to him. I pray you would be filled with unconditional love for her and that no other woman could compare to your wife.
Scripture calls us to flee (run) from sexual immorality. It’s a sin that leads to death and defiles a man from within. You are God’s temple.
Scripture says, what’s done in darkness will be brought to light. My God is faithful to do just what he promises.
Ladies, God is to be our number one. He’s the only one who can satisfy the soul. Our husband is second to him. Man is fallible but God is not. Put all your hope and trust in HIM. The one who is able to deliver. The one who is able to heal. Let him heal your brokenness and trust that it is not his will for us to live in and love sin. It is his desire and will for marriage to be as holy and honorable as he created it to be. Cast all your anxiety upon HIM, the one who cares for you!! Our redeemer!!
Thank you so much for writing this
Thank you for posting this comment. This is THE comment I was hoping and looking for.
I am struggling so very badly with my self image, trust, insecurities, coping mechanisms. I’m burnt out. I react to stress differently now. I’m constantly on edge. I’m completely changed. I don’t feel at peace. I am filled with anguish and loss of hope every single day.
When I first met my partner I had very high hopes. I explained my past hurts, pains and traumas and told him I would never be able to go through what I went through with my ex-husband. Of course he tells me that men that look at that stuff and objectify women are “pigs”. And he wasn’t that kind of man. A few months later my world came crashing down AGAIN, and even harder!
I began to not trust at all. Not one bit. I accompany him almost EVERYWHERE. We both drop off my son to school every morning, we accompany each other to every outing. He is in the construction industry and I’ve gone as far as to going to work with him every single day. I like to look at myself as a personal driver for him and I usually always run to buy any needs the guys need onsite, i grab lunch for them, snacks drinks etc. I remember one Sunday he had to work and we had a baby shower to go to that afternoon. I had to make a decision, I either go with him to work and not know if we will make it on time to the babyshower OR I can try and give him and I some space, TRY to trust him and go to church by myself, get ready by myself and let him make it to the babyshower whenever he can. I went to church that morning. I prayed and prayed over myself, over him, over us and our relationship with each other and with God. I felt great that after a very long time I could find it in my worry filled heart to not be the obsessed, hovering partner I always am. Well a few days passed and one day at his job site I decide to go through his phone. I find exactly what I’m looking for and I was completely crushed. The one and only day I decide to push my feelings and trust issues aside, is the day I am BETRAYED. When he got off of work and went home to get ready for the babyshower (which I was already at), he gave into lust. It hurt me that for a week he didn’t have the heart to confess to me, or ask for forgiveness knowing how much strength it took me to not go with him to work that day. I cannot get over that day. As much as I try and ask God to throw those memories away and rebuke the thoughts I’m randomly terrorized at any given time. Now I feel I can NEVER leave him at home alone, at work alone, anywhere alone.
We are trying to work on our relationship. We are praying more. Studying the word more. Worshiping more. He has deleted his Facebook, YouTube, any and all other social media apps, yet I am still not at peace. I’m constantly watching him and his eyes. While driving, at a drive through, at work, whenever and wherever. He always tells me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, all the lovely things any woman would love to hear everyday. He IS trying. That I know. But it’s still not enough. I’m torn from the inside out. Anytime I even think he looked at a part of a woman he’s not supposed to, I go crazy. The pain takes over me. One of my biggest fears comes true. Over and over again. He tells me Im overreacting, he didn’t look there, he didn’t look at her, he was looking at something else. I honestly don’t even trust myself anymore. I question my eyes and my sanity. I just don’t know if this is worth fighting for anymore. What scares me most is the comments and websites and professionals and pastors and Christians that constantly say, “Every man struggles with this.” It has left me empty and hopeless. I’m to the point where I feel in my heart that whether i am with this man or not, I am doomed by the terrorizing grip of lust on any man I come into contact with.