Today’s lie is a common one. We’re constantly told by the culture that if we just loved ourselves more, we wouldn’t struggle with body image issues. More self-love (or self-esteem) would free us from the pain of not liking ourselves. It’s as if there is some magic switch that can flip, and suddenly, we love ourselves and don’t hurt anymore. But it’s just not true. Self love isn’t an actual path to freedom. And, even if it were, it’s not the path that aligns with the Gospel or scripture.
Today Heather talks about how we all long to be free from the shame and insecurity we feel around our bodies. But, how loving ourselves is a path away from seeing our need for a Savior to cover our shame and is, instead, trying to cover our shame ourselves. If you’ve ever said, “I just need more self love” today’s show is for you!
We also look at 2 Corinthians 2 and talk about how Paul instructs the Corinthians not to compare themselves to themselves or to commend themselves. These are helpful instructions as we think about determining, for ourselves, that we are good enough. Scripture instructs us to find our value and our worth in Christ.
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Today’s show also features an ad from this month’s sponsor: Tighten Your Tinkler. Heather tells you about her experience with this amazing program to help you strengthen your pelvic floor and why that’s important. If you haven’t listened to the full interview with Jenn from Tighten Your Tinkler, listen here. To find out more about the program, visit: https://www.tightenyourtinkler.com/signatureprogram and use the coupon code: HEATHER to save $50!
Hi Heather,
I’ve really been enjoying listening to your podcast, both as a Christian and a licensed psychologist. I am respectfully submitting this comment to the “self love” podcast, with the hopes that you can hear what I am saying and reflect upon it. I was really shocked and disappointed about your comment regarding Lizzo and her desire for self love, mostly your statement that she isn’t the type of person we would want to be friends with. I agree with you that the concept of self love is dangerous, and that we can make an idol of loving ourselves above God. This is important information. However, I was surprised that you chose to make your point by insulting another woman and holding her up as an example of what not to be. This is shaming.
I believe one of the most difficult aspects of being a women is that we are often pitted against one another, i.e., “I’m not like her, so I am better”, “I’m not Lizzo, so I am holier”, “I don’t believe in self love so this makes me a better Christian”. And on and on and on. It’s at the foundation of eating disorders, but also a hallmark of how women have been trained to judge and mistreat other women so we can feel better about ourselves. Talk about the lies we tell ourselves! The other truth is you and I have zero idea of how someone like Lizzo grew up, what information is being drilled into her by influencers/agents, her own level of self care, her mental health state, her intelligence level, her belief system, or lack of hope. We know how people grab onto to anything in a society that promises us to feel better. I believe compassion and love for her, and all women like her, is warranted.
I strongly feel the antidote to this type of negative self talk and judging (in addition to turning our belief to Christ) is in fact Self Compassion. The wonderful psychologist Kristen Neff, Ph.D. has been doing research on how to use self compassion as a tool to overcome this sort of bias we women have internalized since birth and her tools of being kinder to ourselves and others are invaluable.
I would like to reiterate that I am not sending you this message to shame YOU or to make you feel badly. I love your show. I realize we all have our moments of letting stuff slip out (I can be an impulsive speaker and have said things that make my hair curl-cue the self compassion!) and I am guessing this was one of those moments for you. I listen to your show often and have never once heard you make a statement of judgment or meanness, which is why I was so shocked when I heard it. I hope you can read this email and know that I am a supporter of you and I believe firmly that we always benefit when others gently help us along the journey of life. God has placed those women in my life many many times over the years. I very much welcome your reply or desire to discuss.
Blessings,
Joan Munson, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Hi Joan!
I truly appreciate your comment and the grace with which you delivered it. Thank you. I’m always willing to be called out if I’ve gotten it wrong. Iron sharpens iron. I do not have all the answers and am not always right! Perhaps we can hash this out together.
As I think through your comment and what I meant when I made those statements – I’m torn. Yes, you are right. We are called to love everyone. Who did Jesus hang out with? The biggest sinners! So, I was wrong to say I wouldn’t want to be her friend. I should want to be more like Jesus!
But, the point I was trying to make was that her behavior is not necessarily “attractive” in an “I want to spend more time with that person” kind of way. I still believe that’s true. God obviously has some work to do on my heart there! Yet, as an illustration – there are certain types of behavior that make people more “attractive” than other types of behavior.
Her behavior wasn’t a private matter–something done in secret or private that she didn’t want everyone to know about. It was very, very public and deliberate. It was done as a celebration/glorification of her beliefs. And, I don’t know that I call it “shame” when we, as Christians, call out evil as evil (while the world, and Lizzo, called this evil out as “good.”)
Shame is so tricky. I truly want to honor the Lord, and my heart is not to shame any woman. But, I’m not sure how to reconcile “not shaming” with being honest and clear about what behaviors are praiseworthy according to God’s standards and which are, quite reasonably, shameful because they are blatantly opposed to God’s standards.
Can you shame the behavior without shaming the person? As I understand it– shame is making someone feel like they ARE wrong…it’s about “being” versus “doing.” Lizzo is one of God’s creations, a woman whom I know he loves and longs to be in relationship with. But can I not call out her “doing” as inappropriate without it being classified as shaming? I ask this sincerely.
I feel like it’s the same challenge with the porn industry. The industry is disgusting; I’m sure you’d agree. It takes something God intended to be beautiful and makes it very ugly. But, if I were ever to meet a porn star, I certainly wouldn’t point a finger at her and be rude. I would hope to love her as Jesus loves her. Yet, I would still need to call out her actions as not honoring the Lord.
If we aren’t free to call out evil as evil because it’s always categorized as shame, I don’t know that this honors Jesus either — truth and love are the principles that come to mind. Both must exist. Truth and love. If everything that doesn’t make someone feel good is “shaming” – I’m not sure how to navigate that. Prophets in the Old Testament called out the people’s shameful sins . . . Paul criticizes culture and tells people not to be like those who act in certain ways.
Yes, I agree. We have no idea what Lizzo’s background is or what led her to become the kind of person she has become. Of course, that’s always the case with every woman we know. I have great compassion and empathy on that front.
But, I wrestle with where the line is. Can I not call out a public figure who has made it clear that her values are opposed to the heart of God? Is it not helpful for our daughters to know that this isn’t someone they should imitate?
I’m sincerely asking for your feedback on this as I process.
I think the “me versus Lizzo” thing is a false dichotomy – one I was never trying to create. I know I’m a sinner saved by grace alone. My junk is just as ugly, but for Jesus’s grace that covers my sin. But, she is a public figure taking a public stand for something that I think contradicts what we should stand for as Christians. My motivation was not that anyone would think I’m better than she is, but rather to illustrate that pride doesn’t make anyone’s behavior beautiful–according to God’s standards. She does, through her actions and song lyrics, teach something that isn’t aligned with Christ’s teaching. And, I know many, many Christian women are confused on this front confusing messages of culture with God’s truth. Is not clarification of that distinction okay?
Would welcome your thoughts, sincerely!
Hugs and Grace,
Heather