Nearing the end of pregnancy, I walk through the mall, browsing all the sale items and clothes that are pointless to shop for when you can’t see your toes.
Everything I feared happening to my body, happened. My hips expanded, my thighs spread, and my chest has grown so much that looking at shirts with buttons and no stretch just causes me to laugh out loud. I dread the thought of how my belly will deflate and sag once my baby boy makes his appearance. Even my closet overflows with normal, non-maternity clothes that beckon and taunt me, calling out to say, “Bet you won’t be able to wear us anytime soon!”
Somehow, though, through my anxious thoughts and nervous anticipation, I am enveloped in peace. Something changed in my heart this pregnancy. What started as a shocking find on a plastic stick with a little red line that screamed “You’re pregnant!” became a way for me to face all my fears about my body, my family, and myself head on.
Early in January, I asked God for a word of the year, a word to cling to in 2016. “Trust” immediately popped into my head, and it has been my word ever since. So when I learned of my pregnancy, I chose to trust.
When my body started changing shape, I trusted.
When I agonized over the fact that I didn’t look as pregnant as I “should,” I trusted.
When I chose to quit my teaching job and work from home to spend more time with my kids, I trusted.
When I failed to reach business goals I set for myself this summer, I trusted.
When I gained that big, last trimester weight and became unrecognizable to myself, I trusted.
When I found out my baby was 3 weeks ahead of schedule in size, I trusted.
It amazes me how one little world changed the my outlook on the entire year and transformed the daily battles I faced with all my changing circumstances. Some days I put my fists up. I fear labor. I fear what will happen post-baby. I fear recovery. I fear not being able to fit into my adorable clothes that I miss so much (and I refuse to buy an entire new wardrobe).
But God is good. Yes, that phrase is overused to the point where it’s probably cliche, but He overwhelms me with the way He took all my fears and anxieties and covered them with His gentle whisper of, “Trust.”
I didn’t want to get pregnant because I didn’t want to get fat. I didn’t want to face labor. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable. However, I am learning that the Bible never tells us to be comfortable. There is no verse that reads, “Blessed are the comfortable…”
Lately I heard a challenge in this verse: “Those who do the planting and watering aren’t important, but it is God who makes the seeds grow” (1 Corinthians 3:7).
I want to plant and water well. But I want to trust that God is in control no matter what, that He ultimately guides me. He has control over my anxiety, my fear, even the way I feel about my body in transition. I can trust that He is faithful to cause growth in my life, and all I need to do is plant and water seeds. Right now, I choose to water with TRUST.
Erin Kerry is wife to Richard and “mama” to Isabel, Roman and new baby Rhett. She worked as an English teacher and ESL Department Head for a middle school in Plano, Texas before going full time as a SAHM and ambassador for Plexus Worldwide. She loves bingeing on Netflix with her husband, playing games with her kids, getting sucked into a good book, running races (slowly), discovering unique craft beers, and trying out new Mexican restaurants. Read Erin’s posts here.