It’s quite interesting that you rhyme with dear although you are definitely not something dear to me, or something I want near to me.
I’ve written several letters to you; several letters to the names you have manifested yourself as: eating disorder, depression, sadness, etc. . .
I even wrote a Declaration of Independence to you although a large part of that was based on someone else’s words.
Today, I wrote you on a piece of paper in my room – put you on my cupboard and ran toward you, stared you in the face, and finally tore you up.
Although these are merely symbolic acts and may seem silly on the surface, they held a big significance for me:
They signify the end of me giving in to you.
I’m sick and tired of being in bondage to you; sick and tired of being held captive to an entity that prevents me from living out my fully abundant life and God-given purpose.
For so much of my life, you’ve been there.
From when I was a little girl having my parents stand outside tuition centers because I was scared to be left alone, to when I was in primary school and refusing to stay overnights at camps due to panic attacks, to being unable to concentrate or function in any classes leading up to public speaking classes in school, to fearing working out with others because of how my body looked, to now being afraid to muster the courage to attempt things like taking a trip alone or doing box jumps without hurting myself.
For the longest time, you hid under the guise of an eating disorder: causing me to fear food; something meant to be enjoyed. . . Causing me to fear community; something that I have since grown to realise brings the most fulfillment. . . Causing me to fear things; to fear emotion; to fear life in general.
You made me believe that running from things (even good things) would keep me safe.
What a lie. You didn’t keep me safe. You just kept me in bondage. You made me feel small. You made me feel more insecure.
The more I gave in to you, the bigger you became.
The more I fed you, the more you wanted.
You made me dislike myself; to see that what I was doing and feeding was so much based on something not part of my actual being; not part of the woman that God created me to be.
Fear was not and is not a part of my eternal being.
I am tired of making decisions in fear of what others think, in fear of making the wrong ones, in fear of not making the perfect one, in fear of the unknown.
I’ve wasted too much time on these fear-based decisions.
Sure, I may not make the wisest or best decisions.
Sometimes, I may make rash ones that may render judgement.
Sure, not giving into you may mean making decisions that may not have been thought out long and hard; and I may not know all the repercussions upfront.. but I choose to believe that God is bigger than my imperfect decisions and I choose to believe He will show grace when I need it.
You have and are taking so many of my family and friends captive. You are so rampant and I see you taking so many forms in the in their lives: fear of not being good enough, fear of judgement, fear of imperfection, fear of making mistakes. . .
You lie and tell me I’ll never be free.
You tell me that it’s not worth fighting for that next level of freedom. After all, I’ve been set free (for the most part) from the fear of community, fear of weight gain, fear of food, and the fear of being judged by others, amongst many others.
You tell me to be satisfied with this current level of freedom.
I know how freedom tastes. . . and it tastes amazing.
I’m not going to stop fighting for my freedom until I have all of it… even if it takes blood, sweat and tears; as cliche as that may sound
Because you know what?
My freedom is worth it!
And it’s not just my freedom.. but the freedom of so many others.
Because His word says so:
“It was for freedom that Christ set us free” (Galatians 5:1)
He set me free.. to set others free.
And the only way I can have that freedom?
… is by basking in His unconditional love and acceptance as well as by surrounding myself with His perfect love that fills me up so there is no space for you.
So, here’s to facing you one (potentially imperfect) step at a time.
Although she is actually half American, Nicole Friets considers herself a true blue Singaporean as she has lived there her entire life. She recently graduated from University with a degree in Interdisciplinary Arts (specializing in languages/ life coaching/ religion). Good workouts and sunny days uplift her and she believes there is no such thing as too much Disney, salmon sashimi, or love. Read Nicole’s other posts here.