Why Can’t I Connect? Is Comparison in the Way?

As I sit here and stare at my computer screen, I find myself with the desire to meet you for coffee. Yes, you…for coffee…or tea…or whatever it is you enjoy. But, it’s not really about the drinks. It’s about the connection. In person. Face-to-face.

Isn’t that the core of what we all want? To belong? To feel wanted? To fit in? To be a part of the group?

It isn’t easy to feel connected when I’m on this side of the screen and you’re on the other.

But that makes sense, doesn’t it? You and I can’t really meet for a fun afternoon of girl time where we can talk and laugh together? So, let’s explore this connection thing with our female friends and family in mind. Just the other day, someone said to me, “How come they can afford a house like that, but we can’t?” Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? We’re all guilty of doing at some point in time. Chances are we do it more than we even realize. Take a quick read of this list and mentally check off the ones you can relate to…

• I wish my husband would buy me gifts like that.

• How in the world can they afford a car that nice?

• I wish I had the time and money to spend that much time at the salon.

• Must be nice to afford to dress like that.

• I wonder how much that purse set her back.

• She’s got it all together.

I wish I was more like her.

Do you see the pattern? The only thing that this way of thinking does is create havoc. It builds walls of separation. And separation doesn’t lead to connection, which so many of us long for.friends-compared-to-who

Envy Destroys Connection

Humor me for a second and turn in your Bible to Exodus 20:17. Here we find the law laid out plainly. It says, “Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife, his male or female slave, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” First things first, I highly doubt any of us in 2016 have slaves or oxen or donkeys. Just sayin’. Now, let’s define covet, since that’s not a word commonly used today.

Covet is defined as to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to wish for, especially eagerly: to have an inordinate or wrongful desire. A synonym for covet is envy. We are not to envy our neighbor’s house, spouse, or anything else! Man, I wish I knew why this was such a struggle for women today. (Myself included.) (Heather wrote about the struggle here, and Wendy wrote about it here . . .so I know it’s something we all deal with!)

We’ve all been on the receiving end of envy, and I think we’ll agree that it doesn’t feel good.

Now let’s jump to James 4:1-2 which says, “What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from the cravings that are at war within you? You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. You do not have because you do not ask.” We don’t need to break down this verse, because it pretty much just calls us out. My sweet friends, we are at war with each other because we haven’t stopped being envious of each other. We hold up our virtual yardsticks and measure ourselves up against everyone we come into contact with. We are comparing our marriages, our homes, our jobs, our children. No one wins, here, girls. We all end up losing. Sitting alone. Behind walls we built ourselves. Hungry for connection we can’t seem to bear.

Isn’t it time to break free?


SarahYates Compared to Who HeadshotSarah Yates lives in a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri with her husband and 3 teenage sons. She enjoys leading women’s bible studies at her church, online shopping, and playing Bingo at bingo halls! She’s a little bit quirky, a little bit sassy, and whole lot of serious about Jesus! Read Sarah’s other posts here.

8 Comments
  • Jodi
    October 12, 2016

    Comparasion has been a huge trap in my life. It’s something I pray about almost everyday! I love this site, these posts, and all the inspiring women striving to know Jesus. Women like Sarah with faith, families, honest stories, and so much wisdom are my heroes.

    • Heather Creekmore
      October 13, 2016

      Thanks so much, Jodi! We appreciate that. Sarah knocked it out of the park with this one! 🙂 So thankful for your feedback. That’s encouragement to all of us! Know you are certainly not struggling alone!!!

    • Sarah Shewmaker Yates
      November 9, 2016

      Thank you, Jodi! Your support means so much to me!

  • Kay
    October 13, 2016

    I needed this post today

  • Rachel Stewart
    November 30, 2016

    I have struggled with connecting to others (especially other women) most of my life. I had awkwardness and insecurity to blame as a teenager, but now that I’m a 29ish woman, I feel alone. Although my husband and I are called to the church we serve in, I look around and find that we’re the only 29 and 30 year olds in our church. I have a huge longing to connect with other women who have the same values and goals as I do and with whom I connect on a personal level. And I’ve found several with whom I connect with, but they all live elsewhere.

    Sometimes when this desire comes to mind, I lift it up to God in prayer or I simply push it aside. There are even thoughts like, “Just face it, this is the way its always been and always will be.”

    Okay, this is starting to sound like a pity party, which I didn’t intend. Just looking for some advice about my situation and maybe, just maybe, any sisters that feel the same way.

    • Heather Creekmore
      December 5, 2016

      Hi Rachel – I’m sorry you are having such a struggle. I do understand your desire to have friends your own age. But, let me encourage you that I’ve lived through this too. My husband and I planted a church and we had no one close to our own age those first few years. I sometimes felt so lonely that no one was in my exact same “spot” in life. I did reach out to friends in different towns to try to fill the gap. But, as I stopped searching for what I had in common on the surface with these multi-aged women, I soon started to discover that we had a lot more under the surface in common than I would have ever guessed. Now, that the church has grown I have a rich mix of friends who are my age and then close friends who are ten or more years older and ten or more years younger! Can I encourage you to certainly keep praying for God to send you close friends your age! He can answer that prayer with a new couple showing up next Sunday! 🙂 But, also, don’t miss the opportunities you may have to grow and bond with women of all different ages. There’s richness in those relationships too. I hope that encourages you, Rachel! We all need connection-so I’ll pray that for you!

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