For the past few weeks, maybe even months, my heart has been very stressed, anxious, discontent and maybe even (I don’t want to say it) . . . unhappy.
Gosh! I feel crazy even saying those words and even more crazy reading them as a reflection of my feelings because you know what? I have NO reason to feel this way. At least from an outsider looking in, I seem to have everything all together.
Within the past year, I have had MAJOR life changes that make it seem like I have everything going for me. Last October, I married the man of my dreams and shortly after–at the age of 24–we bought our very first home. I get to use my love for helping others by working for the American Cancer Society. I thrive on living a healthy lifestyle and love to share my journey via social media. To those on the outside looking in, my life seems perfect.
But on the inside, I’m a hot mess. I feel like popcorn kernels exploding inside the buttery walls of its bag. I snap at my husband over small nonsense things. I constantly worry about everything. I strive for perfection and I compare my life to those around me. I hate to admit it, but I constantly question God’s plan for my life.
You see, I want to start a family soon, yet my husband isn’t ready.
We have this amazing and beautiful new home, but spend very little time in it.
I give all I can to the fight against cancer, yet it’s killing loved ones every single day.
I measure my productivity and efficiency with to-do lists, but very rarely complete a full list.
I portray this perfect life filled with happiness via social media, all the while constantly comparing my flaws to the girl next to me.
I pray every morning for God to fill my heart with His desires, yet my heart aches for more than He is giving me at this exact moment.
Nothing ever seems enough. I never am enough.
“Is this life?” I ask myself. “Will I always be discontent with the incredible blessings God presents to me? Will I always look for the next best thing, compare my life to the blue-eyed blonde bombshell with thousands of followers? Will I always come home from work and snap at my husband because the stress of the long day is too much for my shoulders to carry? Will I always wonder what is yet to come? Why God, why is this all you have planned for me?”
The Plans He Has For You
A few weeks ago, I felt a light bulb in the back of my head turn on for the millionth time. It’s like I forget where the switch to this part of my brain is located. The part of my brain that teaches me to trust God, His timing and His plans for my life. When this light is turned on, it’s incredible the miracles I see happen and then the roller coaster of life kicks in. You know the part of the ride when the roller coaster gets attached to the chains that pull the ride up the biggest drop? You trust those chains. You trust they will get you to the top and then right at the peak you throw your hands up and scream as the roller coaster picks up speed and drops, twisting and turning, throwing your body in whatever direction is next.
This roller coaster is our life. God has every single one of our lives already planned. He knows when the part of our life will twist and turn. He knows when our greatest successes will happen and when our lowest disasters will arise. But the entire time, we NEED to trust Him. Trust that this ride we are on is on His planning and on His timing.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I forget this. I forget that God is the manager of my life, not me. I get caught up in the planning, the to-do lists, the comparison games and the human desires I have for myself that I forget our God is an amazing God. I forget to set aside my stress and anxiety for faith and love. I forget to keep that light bulb on in the back of my head that tells me my future is based on God’s plans for me.
I pray you can walk away with this truth today. A lot of people God uses to do amazing things don’t have it all together and that’s why our God is such an awesome God! He isn’t looking for perfection so stop trying to be perfect. God loves us so deeply just as we are even when we are a beautiful-crazy hot mess. I challenge you to make a conscious effort to trust His timing. Write down 3-5 things you are grateful for every single day and see the small miracles in life unravel the plans He has for you. We are a constant work in progress, and He’s the one completing the work with all kinds of love and patience. Trust him.
Marieanna Wild is a 20-something year-old newlywed discovering the triumphs and struggles of marriage with the help of her savior, Jesus Christ. Located in the beautiful city of Madison, Wisconsin, she spends her time admiring the different seasons God sends her while working for the American Cancer Society to help make a difference in the fight against cancer. In her free time Mari loves garage sales, DIY projects, boxing, running and blogging at Healthy Desires where she shares her love for God, health and a positive attitude.