“Just one minute!”
I yell out to my husband for what feels like the thirtieth time. There I stand, in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom. One last assessment of how I look before we can leave. I have to make sure I look the part I’m about to play.
As we walk into the room–filled with a nice mix of acquaintances and strangers–the anxiety and insecurity starts to rise. But, I can’t let it show. I must put on my smile and provide happiness and entertainment for everyone I come into contact with. I have to appear strong and confident, sure of myself.
Sometimes, it almost feels like I’m watching myself from afar. I can hear myself trying to be funny, speaking in a voice that projects intentionally so that I’m noticed. And then I see myself looking around to see who’s looking my way. . .
And that’s when the doubts start to creep in. “Does she think this outfit looks bad on me?” “Do they think I’m obnoxious?” “I can’t believe I just said that!” “Why do I act like this? Why do I think I need to be the center of attention? Why do I say stupid stuff?” “Do they think I’m pretty?”
For nearly all of my 37 years on Earth, when I enter a room, everyone knows.
Ugh, THAT person. We all know someone like that. The one who is always cracking jokes, talking in a voice so big it projects to the entire bi-state region. The one who glances around to see who all has noticed their arrival, their presence, their….well, their simply being.
As I finished my fifth month with HUMBLE as My One Word for the year, I’ve realized that I am that person. How embarrassing. I don’t want to be an attention seeker. I don’t want to be the over-the-top obnoxious person in the room. I want to be quieter. I want others to shine in the spotlight. I want to be seen and not heard. I want to my actions to speak, not my mouth.
But all of that is what “I want.” What does God want?
Does God want me to be quiet? Does God want me to be seen and not heard? Or is Satan attacking me by using my insecurity as his way in? How can I tell the difference?
Sarah Yates lives in a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri with her husband and 3 teenage sons. She enjoys leading women’s bible studies at her church, online shopping, and playing Bingo at bingo halls! She’s a little bit quirky, a little bit sassy, and whole lot of serious about Jesus. Read Sarah’s posts here.